Advice For Men: I'm Not Attracted To My Wife

Feeling less attracted to your spouse is not always a sign of trouble in your marriage, but you must confront these feelings directly.

We've all experienced times when the things we once held so dear no longer fascinate us.An exciting job eventually becomes a dull, stifling routine.A new toy or electronic gadget soon becomes an expensive dust collector.Even the exciting new city we couldn't wait to live in may soon seem boring and predictable.As humans we tend to lose interest in something as soon as it becomes overwhelmingly familiar. Unfortunately, this can also hold true for our feelings about those closest to us.What was once a passionate, magnetic attraction can slowly evolve into a comfortable partnership and drift dangerously close to an unspoken disinterest.

A husband may find that the young woman he first met as a teen or young adult has changed over the years into someone he no longer recognizes.Many husbands feel tremendous guilt over this loss of attraction for their wives.This repressed guilt can cause otherwise healthy marriages to end in painful separations or divorces, often without ever realizing the root causes. First of all, it's important to understand that these feelings are perfectly natural.A husband isn't doing anything wrong by feeling less attracted to his wife.She may have similar feelings towards him- aging is an equal opportunity phenomenon.But even if a feeling is natural, that doesn't mean it is legitimate.In order to get at the root cause of the loss of attraction, it may be helpful to take some emotional inventory.

For many husbands, a loss of attraction primarily means the physical realm.The 16 year old beauty queen you first dated has been replaced by a 50 year old version with extra pounds, wrinkles and a completely different fashion sense.It's difficult to look at this person and feel the same physical attraction you had when she was younger.If you are being completely honest with yourself, it's not the physical body you actually miss.Seeing this person age before your eyes reminds you of your own aging and mortality, which is often a bitter pill to swallow.You did marry the young, beautiful girl of your dreams and she's still standing in front of you, folding your clothes or tending to your children.The only thing that has really changed is time, which no one can control.If you're still in love with your spouse, try to form a strong mental image of her in the prime of her life and 'see' that person when you look at her now.Celebrate the wrinkles and the extra weight and the graying hair together.You've both earned the right.


Sometimes the loss of attraction is based on a lack of meaningful discussion.You've heard all of her stories about her childhood and her college days and her family and her job.She spends her spare time in conversation with other people and you're left out in the cold.The rest of your marriage seems to be going as well as can be expected, but there's no real spark of interest.There is no playful banter anymore, just the bare essentials of conversation.

There is hope for rekindling the mental attraction for your spouse.Many times couples will follow a certain path through marriage and rarely deviate from it.You want to know certain things about this woman you married, but you've only mined a few topics.It's easy to exhaust meaningful conversation if it always comes back to the same two or three topics.What you need to do is start up a natural conversation about something you should both have in common.It could be anything from favorite breakfast cereals to memories of Christmas to favorite childhood cartoons.The topic really doesn't matter as long as it is light-hearted and open-ended.Instead of simple answers, try actively listening to her responses.If you're surprised by an answer, say so.Have fun with the conversation- don't be afraid to be humorous or even flirtatious.You may think you know someone too well after 20 years of marriage, but you may not have been asking the right questions.You may find this new person talking about her teenage crushes to be very attractive indeed.

A loss of physical or emotional attraction is not something to be taken lightly.In some instances it could be a basis for a trial separation or even divorce.But few divorce attorneys could argue that a one-sided loss of affection would be enough for a divorce to be granted.Marital counseling would be a much better course to follow if your attraction towards your wife has taken a serious dive.The temptation to find a younger and more attractive replacement may be too much for some husbands to handle.Strong marriages are built on many other factors besides physical attraction.A husband's appearance can become less and less attractive over time as well. Even if that one aspect has changed significantly, it's still possible to find satisfaction in all of the other elements of married life.

Allow yourself to face the loss of attraction honestly, but don't allow selfishness to make decisions you may regret later.Some married couples do make the decision to part ways based on a mutual loss of attraction, but you still have options to consider.Marriage is designed to be a deeper relationship than dating, so the solutions you may have pursued as a 21 year old single man shouldn't be the ones you'd consider as a 50 year old father and husband.Give your spouse every benefit of every doubt and you may rediscover a form of attraction you can easily live with for the rest of your life.

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