The best way to build self esteem

Boosting your child's self-esteem can be a very touchy subject. Many parents are not sure how to do this, so they just allow their child to win at everything. They praise the child without regard to how he will perceive those accomplishments later. Yes, we parents want to raise self-assured, self-confident children, but we do not want to raise children that have unnecessarily high images of themselves. We also do not want to create little heathens that want to rule the roost.

There is a fine line between a healthy level of self-worth and a snotty, self-important child that has every wish indulged by his or her parents. I have seen these kids, and I am sure you have too. You know the one- the child in the grocery aisle that is screaming and hitting his mother. All the mother is doing is trying to placate his whines and brushing off his obvious tantrum as just one of those things. Why is she trying to bribe him with rewards? She wants to reward him for being a little tyrant? This just confuses me!

No! What are you teaching your children about the real world if you always allow them to win? You are teaching them that if you whine enough, Mommy and Daddy will give in. You are teaching these kids that winning is everything, and that life is fair. Well I hate to mention this, but life is not always fair. The amount of successes a child should have depends on their age level. Sure, let your five-year-old beat you at checkers once in awhile. It gives them a needed boost in confidence, but it doesn't make sense to always let them win. How will he or she react when confronted with a failure in real life? Why do you think students go off to college, and come home after one semester defeated? They have never failed.

What are better ways to boost my child's self-esteem?

1. Praise your child when it is warranted. When he or she shows that they either worked hard for something or that they followed the rules. Commend them for doing a good deed or doing well at school. Always be sure to be sincere and enthusiastic in your approval.

2. Catch your child doing something right. Too many times we only catch our child doing something wrong. Try to "catch" your kids doing good things. When you see him or her picking up a piece of paper, tell the child that you think they are being helpful. Thank your child for the kindness. When you see your child extending a hand in friendship to a child who doesn't have a lot of friends, applaud him or her. Tell them that you appreciate their effort. You are likely to see this kind of behavior again.

3. Encourage your children not only for their successes, but also their failures after working particularly hard for something. By really paying attention when they show you their artwork, school papers, and other creative works, you will show your children that you value them. So many parents just give a quick, pat response and then quickly look away. If you just give them a quick compliment and only look for a second, the child can sense that you are not being sincere. Make your child aware of your approval and encouragement with your full attention.

4. Always get excited when they accomplish something from a lot of hard work. Applaud your children's effort to improve themselves in school and other areas. Perhaps little Sally just brought her grade from a B or a C up to an astounding A. How should you react? We parents should not only get very excited, but also perhaps give the child an unexpected reward. This is positive reinforcement.

5. Look at your child when he or she addresses you. So many parents don't maintain eye contact. This is a gesture that can give the child the impression that they are not worthy of the attention. Listen to your child when he or she speaks to you. Really listen!

6. Ask your children questions. This will open up a myriad of topics and interests, helping to strengthen the child-parent bond. As interactive parents, we will encourage our children to develop their verbal skills.

7. Make your children aware that you want to hear their input. They will know that their ideas and views are important to you. This interaction also keeps the line of communication open between a parent and a child, which is very important when the child gets older. Imagine teenagers that actually talk to their parents! It can happen. Children are much more willing to come and talk to a parent about their problems if they know that the parent will really listen to what they have to say.

Self-esteem is an important thing to instill in our children, but so is humility. Self-esteem is very important for a child, but there is a fine line that shouldn't be crossed. These kids must have a good self-image of themselves, but not at the expense of others. Too many times the children with the high self-image are the ones that make it very difficult for others in school. Many times these kids think that they are better than others. This is a lesson that I do not want to teach my children.

Before praising your child without any regard for the effect that it has on him or her, think. Really think if it is warranted. Is it age appropriate to let a ten-year-old win over and over gain? Perhaps this does more damage than good. Should your child be learning a few of life's hard facts? I think that it is better to learn about the negative aspects of life early, when I can help my child deal with these things. If they wait until they are adults to experience life's hard knocks, perhaps they will give up too easily. This is because they do not know how to deal with adversity. We must be careful not to protect our children from life.

We want to have happy, well-adjusted children that have a high self-esteem, but we do not want to raise pompous children that others will view as spoiled brats. We want self-assured and happy kids, but not kids that are shielded from any kind of pain. How will they grow as human beings? We need to raise children that are sympathetic to others- children that have a sense of humanity.

Too many kids today are much too quick to tease others without regard to just how that damages the other person. We want kids who hold their heads high, but not kids who have no concept of reality. Some heartfelt attention can go a long way. Make sure that you do not cross that very fine line when helping your child to have a good self-image.