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It is not easy to resolve conflict in any relationship. Conflict resolution is a skill taught in MBA, socialwork, and counseling programs across the countries. It is not necessary to seek a master’s level education in order to learn some of the techniques professional negotiators use when dealing with conflict.
In the manual, Becoming a Master Student, by Dave Ellis, there are many suggestions about dealing with conflict. Sometimes in conflict it is important to step back, or move away from the emotional attachments that go with a disagreement. Removing yourself emotionally helps to avoid trading personal attacks. This approach makes it possible to approach the situation in a neutral way, such as: “We have a problem here that isn’t working for us. We need to work together to develop options.” This sounds like a rather intellectual approach, but helps to avoid emotional outbursts, and may generate solutions.
Being committed to the relationship is important in conflict resolution. If you really care about a person being right is less important than maintaining relations. If you don’t care about someone there really is no reason to resolve conflict. With this in mind, approach each conflict with the desire to clear up misunderstanding, develop understanding of all perspectives, and find a resolution that works for all parties involved. Being right is not the objective, being effective is.
How we communicate in conflicts can affect the outcome. Sometimes when people are embroiled in conflict they often talk quickly, loudly, and all at once. In this situation the volume gets higher, and the amount communicated decreases. In this situation, slow things down. You can encourage a more civil disagreement, by lowering your voice. When a person talks in a soft tone of voice the other party will most likely lower their voice. This is called matching, and it works as long as both individuals are not so angry, they have become irrational. Slowing down the communication entails taking the time to listen. Listening is not waiting until the other person is done talking, so you can start talking. Listening is the art of understanding the other person’s perspective.
A good technique for demonstrating your listening ability, and promoting enlightenment in a conflict is paraphrasing. Paraphrasing is repeating what the other person says in your own words. It might sound something like this:
“You’re saying that I do not do enough around the house, and this makes you feel dumped on.”
“It sounds like you feel left out, because I spend more time with my friends than I do with you.”
“Your perspective is that I do not think before I speak, and I often hurt your feelings through my thoughtlessness.”
After you paraphrase the other person’s point of view, encourage them to tell you what your perspective is. In this manner, the conflict is described to both parties, and misunderstandings will be eliminated.
Emphasizing how important the relationship is and seeking common ground is part of conflict resolution. This might be stating things both parties agree on: “The kids are very important to both of us; we just need to agree on how to discipline them together.” The essential agreement about important issues can help keep the insignificant conflicts stay in perspective.
One of the hardest skills in conflict resolution is the skill of taking responsibility. If an individual can take responsibility for the situation, it gives him/her power to change the situation. This can be expressed through “I” statements. An “I” statement does not cast blame on the other person, and avoids the use of “You” statements. It is easier for a person to hear: “I’m worried, because it is so late.” than “You are in big trouble because you are really late.” “I” statements reflect feelings without causing the other person to feel defensive. If defensiveness is avoided in an argument, resolution is easier.
Conflict resolution is a complicated skill. Most people can benefit from developing the skills of stepping back from the conflict, emphasizing the importance of the relationship, listening, paraphrasing, and taking responsibility through “I” statements. Practicing these skills will enhance a person’s communication style. Effective solutions and better relationships are achieved in this manner.
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