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Author's note: This article is not meant to be therapy, or replace the advice of a qualified therapist. It is only helpful ideas that have helped one survivor. If you have any of the symptoms discussed below, you need professional help!
It is 11:30 pm, and I am trying to fall asleep. Restless, I toss and turn, praying for the slumber I will need so badly before going in to work tomorrow. It has been a busy week, and I am stressed. Bills need to be paid, the kids needed to be driven to basketball practice, to work, and other
activities when I got home. Dinner was a quick affair. And now, my weary body cries for sleep but my mind won't obey.
Suddenly, my bed turns into my parent's bed from their room in the farmhouse when I was a child.
I can hear my stepfather's breathing next to me, as he reaches for me, alcohol on his breath. I shrink away,
trembling. Terrified, I sit bolt upright, a scream stifled on my lips. I turn the lamp on. It is only my husband, snoring away beside me. But the painful images won't leave me. One after another, they tumble through my mind, flash photos of a childhood I want to forget, but that refuses to be shoved away. I am having memories. And as I shake in the middle of the night, I have to find a way to calm down, to not go crazy as I remember the past.
Intrusive memories are a component of both PTSD and dissociation. The person who has dissociated painful memories has often "locked them away" into a part of their mind, or an alternate personality, so that they can live life without remembering. Until, one day, later in life, some people begin to remember.
Memories long forgotten can rise up and come to consciousness.
Why?
Theories on this vary. Some therapists believe that if the adult feels safe when they are older, then the person
will feel safe enough to finally deal with their unresolved trauma. Other theories include the thought that with age, the person can no longer maintain the dissociation that protected them, that it begins to break down. Others state that triggers in the environment, such as having children the same age the survivor was when their abuse occurred, or certain smells, sights, or sounds, can bring back memories from a long ago childhood.
I do know that in my case, a stressful week combined with seeing a photo in a magazine that day that vaguely
resembled my step father seemed to trigger the memory. Other times, I have no idea why the memory comes up, except that before sleep, the mind seems to ruminate after a busy day.
What do I do when memories hit? Having dealt with DID for several years (nine) with plenty of memories that have come, I thought I would share some things that help me to ground during those "rough nights." Or days. These are NOT therapy, only thoughts of a survivor on what has helped me.
1. Touch something in the now: tactile touch helps me. I will feel the bedclothes, or a favorite stuffed toy, to reground. I even speak out loud: "I can feel the floor under my feet." This is an important way to stay in the now, and not go totally into the memory.
2. Self talk: I talk to myself until the fear lessens. "I am safe now. It isn't happening now. It's a memory." I also look around the room, while I do this. If a young part is out, I let them know that now I am older, that the abuser is not with me, that they will not be hurt again. I also remind myself of the fact that most memories resolve with time; that the feelings are most intense when they first come out, and will tend to lessen with grounding. This helps to keep me from panicking, which can snowball once started.
3. Internal cooperation: I let people inside know that I understand they are afraid. And then I negotiate. I promise (and have to keep this promise, or watch out!) that these parts can share the memory by journaling, or collaging, or art work the next day, if they can help "back away" the memory right then. This also helps when I am at work. If it is a part that is feeling ignored, or who is in distress, I hug them, and later give them the promised time to share.
4. I ask internal parts who are older and more grounded in reality to help those who are younger and feel the memory. They can hold their hand, rock them, or comfort them.
5. Do something that relaxes me. This might mean reading a good, light book (I call them "fluff books"), watching a funny movie on T.V., taking a warm bath, or a cup of tea. I have certain routines that help relax and ground me when times are rough.
6. Share how I am feeling: When appropriate, I share what is going on with someone I trust. I might tell my spouse, or my therapist. Talking through the memory can sometimes diminish its force. Journaling is a way I can "talk it through" on paper, and also helps. Art work, drawing the feelings associated with the memory, help decrease the dissociation and also help relieve the pent up feelings.
Acknowledging the trauma and pain slowly can help the memory lose its terror.
7. Go slowly. I try to negotiate inside that the memory will be shared slowly, since this is less frightening than the whole thing in its entirety, which can feel overwhelming. Most memories contain the cognitive aspect (knowledge), the body memory, the visual memory, the smells/auditory components. I ask if my alters can share the knowledge, or cognition, first, then gradually, over weeks, the visual and the feelings. I keep my promise that they will be allowed to share, I just ask them to slow the sharing down. Good therapy can help tremendously here.
8. Take care of myself. This means slowing down, if I am taking on too much or am overly stressed. It means eating nutritiously, exercising, and getting plenty of sleep. It might mean asking a friend or neighbor to help with getting the kids to the school play practice this week, or saying "no" to overtime at work. It might even mean having a "day off" where I do nothing and rest, if needed.
9. Medication. There are excellent, qualified psychiatrists who understand PTSD and dissociation, and there are medications that can help tremendously with helping "slow things down" when a person feels "flooded".
10 Prayer. I ask Jesus to comfort the parts inside who are afraid and wounded, and to bring healing to them. They often only feel safe when He is there, comforting them, holding them.
The night I discussed at the beginning of the article, I took a "stuffie" (stuffed toy) and held it awhile, stroking it. I had the light on, to help me reground to the now. I talked to the young part inside, comforted her, told her she was safe. I prayed, asking Jesus to help her/me feel safe, and to heal the memory. I promised her time the next day after work for journaling, and also that she could share during therapy later in the week what she remembered. I took a small amount of Klonopin (an antianxiety drug), and then fell asleep. The next day, I kept my promise, and journaled, and over the next few days, the memory resolved.
Memories can be frightening for the survivor of abuse, and work with a qualified therapist and psychiatrist who understand these issues cannot be overemphasized. These are just a few tips that have also helped during the "rough times."
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