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You are just getting ready to leave and your son dumps out all of your perfume on the floor. What’s worse is that this is the third time he’s done it. Many parents would find it hard not to spank their child in this situation, but they shouldn’t. Here’s why.
Spanking may be a temporary fix to a problem. It may even permanently stop a certain behavior, but the damage being done is worse than whatever the behavior was. A child who is regularly spanked will learn to fear their parents. As that child grows older he will seek ways to withdraw from an untrusting and scary relationship. Most parents will have stopped spanking by seven or eight, but by then the idea is already ingrained into the child that if he does something wrong he will get hurt. This leads to children who try to hide their mistakes from their parents because of fear. Spanking can lead to physical and emotional damage.
So what is a parent to do? There are several other methods of discipline, including time out, natural consequences and redirection. But let’s first consider your goals. If you have no set goals for what type of relationship you want with your children, and what type of people you want them to be, how will you know if you have gotten their? Most likely, you won’t because you will never really get anywhere.
Sit down and make a list of what qualities you want to instill in your children. Then write a paragraph about the relationship you have with each one of them. Next write a paragraph about the relationship you want in five years, ten years, fifteen years and twenty years if your children are very young. Can you see that if you hit your children often enough you will drive the relationship away, not bring it closer and make it stronger.
Time Out
Now how do we use the discipline methods mentioned earlier to develop our relationships with our children? Let’s start with time-out. Time-out should be used to separate a child from a situation. When a child is getting into things and has been warned he needs a time out to think about his behavior and to stop the progression of his actions. The time-out should only be about one minute per year old the child is. After the child has sat in a room by himself without an audience for this length of time, the parent needs to go in and talk to him. Ask him if he knows what he did wrong, if he doesn’t tell him. Tell him why it was wrong. Then the most important part is to give him a hug, so that he knows it is not you punishing him because you are mad at him or don’t like him, but he is simply suffering the consequences of his actions. Last the child should make restitution if needs be. That means if he made a mess, he should clean it up, if he hurt someone he should say he’s sorry.
Natural Consequences
The next form of discipline is natural consequences. This means mom and dad aren’t always the bad guys. When you can simply let the consequences of your child’s actions teach what behaviors are acceptable. When your daughter breaks a toy she doesn’t get that toy anymore. Don’t buy her another one and don’t necessarily fix it even if you can. Your daughter will soon learn to take care of her things. If your son doesn’t take his dirty clothes to the laundry room don’t go get them and don’t nag. When he runs out of things to wear he’ll understand why this behavior is required.
Another form of natural consequences may not be quite as natural, but is very effective. Sit down with your family and discuss the rules. You suggest some and let them suggest some. Then discuss the consequences if these rules are not followed. Children will often think of much harsher punishments then you will. When you agree write the rules down followed by the consequences if they are broken. This works especially well with teenagers. Next time a child breaks a rule refer to the list of consequences. You are not the bad guy, it was their own choice and now they must be held accountable.
Redirection
When a child is little he forgets easily and often his emotions come before his thoughts. At this stage a child may strike out or throw tantrums. The trick to stopping these is to watch out for them and redirect the child before they start. If you see your daughter come and take away your sons toy, instead of scolding or spanking, simply take the toy and give it back. Then ask your daughter if she wants to come help you cook or play or anything else as long as it is appealing to that child. The key is to offer the child something else to do to get his mind off whatever was about to cause a fight.
If you use a combination of these discipline techniques you will have a better relationship with your children now and in the future and isn’t that what every parent wants?
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