Becoming foster parents

Foster parenting requires a generosity of spirit. Those who have made foster parenting a way of life report that little prepared them for what they were to discover. This is not to imply that they in any way regretted becoming foster parents; however, they wished they had understood how much they lacked tools for starting this most important phase of learning.

Ironically, many of these 'old hats' were parents before they became in charge of foster children. Consequently, they entered the relationship feeling a naive arrogance that encouraged them to believe they could teach something to these children in need of guidance. Instead, it was they who needed the lesson learning. After much soul wrestling, foster parents by and large reported feeling rewarded for having their innocence unveiled.

Do's

To get on the right footing in foster care is to remember that the foster care child is not grateful for your willingness to take them under your wing. This statement may sound surprising but it is true. It is easy to forget that many of these children feel an overwhelming loss in all areas of their lives. They have lost their parents, home setting, school and friends as a result of powers beyond their control. Whatever issues placed them into court custody are not ones they understood nor will they until much later in life. Most probably they will resist the sense of structure you impose, as they have most likely never had it before. Therefore, a major 'Do' in the beginning is to not personalize what appears to be a negative attitude. They are angry because... not angry at you or your help.

Moreover, foster care is a reciprocal relationship meaning that they too must learn to embrace you, as you are willing to embrace them. Unfortunately, this step takes time and may require a period of rejection on their part before bonding with you and your household. Foster children have been hurt and scarred and may look for ways to not have to take the risk of loving you or appreciating your efforts.

In essence, they may be setting you up for failure, in order to prevent them from further bonding and getting burned as a result. For instance, in the beginning of the relationship, the foster child may put the foster parent under many tests to see if you lose your temper and become abusive, have conditions placed upon loving them, or even view this relationship as a business enterprise.

As a licensed psychologist who worked with foster youth, I cannot count the number of times I was told how much dollars and cents the foster parents were receiving for foster care provisions. The children reported these figures with disdain. Underneath was a layer of hurt for they now believed that they had been deceived and were only being cared for in the name of the money. A major 'Do' at this juncture is to call the child on his/her tests and the unfairness of them but do so in a nonshaming manner. Also, show the child where the funding goes on his/her behalf, so that they might see that you are not becoming wealthy from their loss. Include them in the decision making as to meal planning and chore completion, so that they feel included in issues which affect them.

Foster care children need most to know that you recognize that they are three-dimensional persons. Allowing them to demonstrate their cultural heritage in your home is one way to demonstrate your recognition from where they came. Encourage they child to share or obtain recipes they loved as well as clothing and hair styles that may seem unfamiliar to you. This is not to say that as a foster care parent that you have no rights to set limits. However, asking them about the customs and cultural traditions from which they came can go along way to bridging the relationship into something meaningful and deep.

Don'ts

Foster care children may experience some cultural shock as a result of having placement in your home. Making an issue of eating at meal times is a powerful way to encourage contention and hurt. Initially, the child may feel ungrateful for what you are serving or even show entitlement issues to eating you out of house and home. Confront the situation away from the meal setting, so that the child and other family members learn that meal time is a period for social engagement as well as digestive peace. Let it be known away from the table what manners are expected whether they be literal eating habits or dibs on seconds. Do not make the meal time a time that everyone resents and uses as a venue for power struggles.

At all costs, do not, if there are other children in the household, show favortism to one child over another. Fear not, if foster parents desire to convey to their biological children that they are appreciated and loved by all means do so. Make certain however that what is conveyed is that private time and care will also be given to the foster care child as well. Set up private areas in the home where each can go if feeling overwhelmed by stimulation. This space does not have to be large. In fact it can be a corner chair in which everyone in the household understands is marked time for isolation and reflection. Provide time limits to this space so that the space cannot be overused or manipulated for the purposes of controling the atmosphere of the rest of the room.

Another 'Don't' that should be mentioned is the use of comparison of the foster child either to other foster children in the past or in the household or to a foster parent's biological children. Each foster child is unique and has his/her own personal strengths and weaknesses. Ask the child what it is he/she is interested and seek community resources that will empower that interest. Often, communities have discounts on art lessons, sports and academic tutoring when they know that those resources are going to a child who might not otherwise have access to them.

Finally, ask your support team for an estimate of how long the child will reside in your home. Some children are placed for long-term purposes which means that they become a part of your family history. Other children are placed for short-term purposes which means that the home should be looked upon as a temporary haven. Whichever placement it is determines how much the children should or should not be included in extended family dynamics. Always remember that if a child is placed with the intent of returning home, do not demean his/her parental influence or ability to care. Actually, even if the child is placed for long-term purposes, it is best to allow the child to convey to you the foster parent what he/she thinks and feels about him/her. Again your job is to listen. Neither agree nor disagree but point out to them how they can do their lives differently so that foster placement will not be a legacy for their children. Encourage thoughts to the future and ways to plan toward eventual independence.

In conclusion, remember that as a foster parent you mark a crossroads for a child. He/she can either choose to follow your path or to venture onto another. However, he/she will never be the same as a result of being under the foster parent influence.