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So, it's over. The breakup of a meaningful relationship can really feel like the end of the world. If you're face to face with such a traumatic event, you basically have two choices: you can fall apart on a grand scale which includes having a series of hysterical crying fits in public, or you
can present a dignified and composed face to the world. You don't have to pretend it doesn't hurt, of course, but wouldn't you rather hear admiring comments like "You're handling it so well!", rather than "Oh my God, you
either need professional help, or medication - and right away"?
The mourning period
Psychologists agree that a breakup can often feel like a death. So it makes sense that you go through a period of mourning. It's normal to feel down, and overwhelmed by grief. You have, in essence, lost someone close to you. Understand that it's inevitable that you'll feel bad for a little while, and plan your life accordingly. This is definitely not the time to take on a taxing new project at work, or force yourself to be the life of any party.
Take some time to recover - quietly and privately - from your loss. Be gentle with yourself, and allow yourself some time for crying and moping. It helps to allocate a concrete amount of time to this stage. Depending on how upset you're feeling, decide on a date to begin the process of bouncing
back. It could be a week, a month, or longer. But choose a date and mark it on your calendar. Although down-time is essential just after a breakup, if you impose a time limit on feeling sad, you're less likely to develop permanent, or clinical depression.
Getting out again.
OK, that day you've circled in red ink on your calendar is here. This is the End of Mourning Day. Do something significant to mark its arrival. Buy yourself half a dozen bunches of different flowers, and fill your apartment
with a riot of color and fragrance. You have to smile when you're surrounded by the beauty of nature, which is bound to lift your spirits.
Or go buy yourself a new outfit. You have the greatest excuse ever: you're rewarding yourself for your strength and survival skills. While you're at it, you might also spot the perfect pair of shoes. What are you waiting
for? A whole new outfit - with those matching shoes - will make you feel like a million dollars.
You'll start to remember what it feels like to be able to smile at the world again.
Call your friends
Continue your recovery process by re-entering your social circle. It will be strange for awhile to be socializing without your ex, it's true. But you have to face the new situation sooner or later, and the sooner you get out there, the speedier your recovery will be. Grab a table full of friends and go out for dinner.
Resolve to keep it together as best you can once the red wine starts flowing. A few tears may be inevitable if you start feeling emotional, but you don't want to ruin everyone's eveing by losing it, and making a huge
scene. If you need to have a quick cry, go for it, but get yourself back together as fast as you can. Show everyone (yourself included) that you're not an emotional wreck.
One final word of warning: the first time yo see your ex after the breakup is bound to be traumatic. It's just inevitable. But remember your promise to yourself to be dignified. Rushing across a crowded restaurant, screaming
"You bastard!" will not only get you thrown out of the restaurant, it will also brand you with a reputation of being an out-of-control psycho. And the more witnesses that are present to pass the story on later, the harder it will be to escape from the myth you've just created.
So keep the magic word in mind. Think "dignity" when you see your ex. Smile and keep walking, or make a minute's worth of smalltalk. There's really no reason that the end of a relationship has to be marked by a humiliating display of how hurt you feel.
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