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Whether you are surviving your first or your hundredth separation, the psychology is much the same. During the days just prior to the separation you begin to emotionally separate from your spouse. Disagreements escalate and general bad attitudes are known to rear their ugly heads. You know that at the other end of this time apart, there will be another week or two as you adjust to the returning spouse.
As uncomfortable as the two weeks prior to and after the separation can be, the real challenge is to thrive during the months in between.
Here are ten tips for making this challenge as easy as possible:
1. Communication. If your separation is due to a military deployment, there are limitations for phone calls and e-mail. U.S. APO mail can take 10 days or more to travel. Keep a regular phone date when possible. Send e-mail and mail on a regular or daily basis. While your spouse may not be able to respond with the same flexibility, it will help you to share your day and help the spouse to stay in touch with home. Keep a notepad with information and updates so that when you do get that rare phone call, you will be able to pass along any vital details.
2. Normal Schedule. To keep from inadvertently slipping into a depression, try to maintain a normal schedule.
3. Normal lifestyle. While there is no spouse to see that you haven't managed to change from your comfy clothes and haven't put on makeup in a week, these are often signs of being depressed. Keep yourself on track by getting up and dressing up.
4. Celebrate the holidays. Think that this is going to be the saddest Christmas, Thanksgiving, Birthday etc in history because you are separated, it just might be. But, it is important, to maintain your traditions especially if you have children. While the dog might not notice there was no tree or candles this year, children will. Since this year's holiday is going to be different, make a pact to do something different this year. Share the day with another family, spend it with friends, or take a vacation.
5. The BIG PROJECT. Every body has a BIG PROJECT. It’s the one that has been hanging around for a while. Maybe you've always wanted to make a quilt or take a class to learn a second language. It will assist you in maintaining focus and allow you to grow at the same time. However, one word of advice, whatever project you are going to take on, the separation time is going to pass much quicker that you expect. Start your project early in the deployment. With any luck you'll get it done in time. I can't count the number of times I've heard a spouse say, "I was going to complete this project, but I just got caught up in things."
6. Care Packages. A care package is a great idea, but be careful not to let this be a budget buster. Be sure to include items that your spouse can't get where he/she is. Home baked goods are a great idea, remembering that they will be in the mail as long as two weeks. Don't send items that are fragile or will melt. The package will be valued even it all it contains is a couple of packs of gum and drawings from the kids.
7. Time for yourself. As the sole family caretaker, now more than ever, you will need time for yourself. A babysitting swap can give you an affordable alternative for getting some free time. Use the time for something you enjoy. Grocery shopping with out little voices! A trip to the mall alone! A nice long bath and a chance to do a little reading! Whatever you choose, savor the time alone.
8. Give to someone else. The best way to put aside your own concerns for a while is to give to someone else. Lending a helping hand for a church project. Assist with a school fundraiser. Volunteer as a school tutor. Apply your talents to someone else's needs.
9. Learn something new. Growing is the best way not to fall into a depression (the number one issue for separated families.) Take this time to learn something new like new word each day. The two best growth experiences for good mental health are learning a second language or a musical instrument. These have been rated the top two things to keep a mind young and active.
10. Two words - Yard Sale! Decluttering your life can be a very rewarding and uplifting experience. If you have a pack rat for a spouse, get his/her permission to do a good "spring cleaning" while they are gone and have a yard sale. Use your best discretion when selecting items. Split the proceeds with your spouse. And word of caution: Don't be surprised if your spouse uses his/her proceeds to buy back his treasures when your neighbor puts it back out at the next yard sale!
For additional support and information, contact your church, community, or family support services.
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