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We live in a very different world than our parents. Lives based on a comfortable home in the suburbs, a station wagon, three kids, and thirty years of job security with one employer have become memories. Even personal relationships are handled differently in today's internationally accessible society.
More and more, instead of quiet evenings getting to know one another on a porch swing, couples find airports and that intangible highway known as the Internet act as their conversational medium. In 1998, one estimate figured over 28 million Internet users in the United States, alone. That figure is expected to grow to over 85 million by 2002. Considering these statistics, it is reasonable to conclude that a significant number of people are engaged in some form of long distance relationship and/or correspondence, and that the number will continue to climb.
It is not unusual to hear of couples or families who live in two different locations, frequently hundreds, or even thousands, of miles apart. Commuting is a familiar term in today's society. But familiar or not, in reality, managing a long distance relationship can call for rigid maintenance. I don't mean to make it sound impersonal, like attention to the oil changes in your car, but this is knowledge I gained firsthand, having been in a long distance relationship with my husband for almost a year prior to our marriage. By long distance I mean over 2,000 miles apart.
The distance can be hard to deal with, make no mistake about it. But the good news is, it is not impossible. In fact, it can add positive and memorable elements to a relationship. The most important thing early on is to fully accept the limitations involved. This will unfold for both of you fairly soon into the relationship. You cannot just hop in the car and meet each other because you have some time to kill. Those little informal meetings, which can add so much to a newly-sprung relationship, are not negotiable. In all probability, you will never learn to like this, but if you want your relationship to have any chance at all, you will come to accept it. The key is to find other ways to compensate for the lack of one-on-one time as often as possible.
In close distance relationships, little gestures can often be ignored without having a deep impact. Not so with long distance couples. Every small detail counts, because sometimes these are all you will have. An account with a florist is almost a must. Don't forget special occasions, and that includes even those outside the usual ones like birthdays and Christmas. This includes the day you met, because your partner got bad news, had a bad day, got a bad haircut. You get the idea. Flowers may not be warranted in every case; in fact, variety is best. Think about a carefully selected card, a small figurine, a book, or one of my personal favorites, a cassette or computer recording of your voice. Just having your voice available whenever it is needed can be crucial. Video tapes are also wonderful devices for making those all important connections. What a wonderful gift to help ease the lonely hours, to send your face, movements, laughter and voice!
There is a vicious little detail long distance couples must be prepared to deal with: Outrageous long distance telephone bills. It's a given, but you can minimize the damage with a little planning on your part. Make sure you are getting the very best long distance rates available, and don't settle for good rates only on weekends and after five. More times than not, you'll need to call outside the hours of prime rates. Be frugal and make cuts in other areas where possible. Eat out less, skimp on name brand groceries, cut back on the electricity you're using. Think through your current situation and you're sure to find places you can save for the necessity of a larger phone bill. Using email, instance computer messages and chatroom options will help a lot, but they cannot replace the personal touch of being able to hear each other speak. Use these tools, but don't expect them to fulfill a communication gap that is already suffering from distance.
Be unyielding when it comes to those vital opportunities you will have to be together. Speak plainly with your boss, family or friends about the importance of having this time for your relationship. Nothing is harder to cope with during a long distance romance than a last minute visit gone awry. There may be some occasions that are unavoidable, but you should make it a priority to organize your life in such a way that your time together will be unhindered. To save for visits, make your flight arrangements as early as possible to get the best ticket rates. The non-refundable ticket options offer excellent savings, but carefully consider the odds of being unable to make the flight. Non-refundable means just that.
When you are together, savor the quiet time only for each other. Getting together with friends is fine, but it should never dominate the opportunity you have to develop your relationship. This may very well mean speaking plain with friends and family, so that they don't take your refusals personal. Those who don't deal with long distance relationships often don't understand the dynamics involved. Usually a few minutes of explanation will solve the bulk of this situation.
Long distance relationships are not for everyone but they are most certainly on the rise. One thing that hasn't changed, there are no secrets or guarantees for success. Long distance connections require attention to their unique nature. For those who are determined to find out where it can lead, developing a few disciplines and creativity can make all the difference when spanning the miles.
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