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There are a variety of elements to good parenting and of course much is dependent on so many factors ranging from nature to nurture, genetics vs environment. However, a key element in parenting that cannot be overlooked is teaching.
More specifically, teaching consequences to children to help them take responsiblity for their actions, to prepare them for life in the "real" world and to give them the tools to be part of society, part of the process of socialization. In this article we will discuss some of those key strategies for teaching children consequences and the most effective way so utilizing these methods. We will also briefly look at some of the consequences of NOT applying or teaching consequences, of setting healthy boundaries, and limits. We will include looking at positive approaches, such as rewards in a consistant manner as well.
First and foremost we should look at what consequences revolve around. In psychological evalutions looking for family structure, we look at what duties or tasks a child has responsibility for in the household. Whether this is taking out the garbage or washing dishes or good grades or mowing the lawn or babysitting younger children, we look at the consequences for not doing the duty and how often or quickly it is done. If there are NO consequences then there is no structure, no teaching or learning of responsibility and problems, and discipline problems start to crop up. We see problems in roles between parent and child and sometimes the child may or may not assume a parental role. In order to provide a solid foundation and structure for the parenting of your child, consequences are vital.
Consequences might include restriction (grounding as it is commonly called of a period of time), removal of priviledges (such as the TV or the phone for a period of time), taking away an allowance, which may have been part of a reward system, or a portion of the allowance. Rewards are an important part of this process, finding out what the child wants as well, providing it, but in conjunction with consequences. Consequences as well as rewards must be consistantly applied especially at the beginning of the process. It is a part of learning and repitition is very important. If the child continually fails to do the dishes or take out the garbage then consistantly ground the child or take away a privilege, sometimes increasing the consequence depending on the behavior.
Now what is important to remember is that punishment is a form of learning also. However, it is not always effective over the long term. This sounds like a contradiction but it is not. Punishment is quickly forgotten and in order to keep it in place one must usually increase it over time which is hard on the parent and the child. However, if you do it consistantly and intersperse it with rewards for reinforcement that is remembered. Initially consequences should be used each and every time to get the rule to set in cement. As well will see though, there is some more flexibility in applying consequences once original boundaries have been put in place.
Psychologists have learned over time that once you have taught an original behavior or set consequences in place and reinforced them over a set period of time constantly and consistantly it's harder to change the pattern.
Behavior modification is term that basically means teaching. Studies have found that a child will retain the lesson better if, after initially being reinforced consistantly, it is then reinforced every second or third time or more randomly. This is enough to still enforce the behavior or consequence without causing the child to think if it is not applied once they should forget what they have learned. This is very important. Children will learn the lessons of consequences better IF you draw them out and are more flexible, including with rewards over a period of time, after intially carrying out the consequences each and every time (whether this is seven days or seven weeks to get it set in stone so to speak).
Finally we must remember the classic wisdom that "actions speak louder than words." Children learn from their parents, by their actions, far more than by their words.
So we must not only intially provide consistant consequences or rules to help our children, and then become more flexible without losing the boundaries, but we must also by our own actions reflect our ideals, our morals and values. The best form of teaching is by example. The consequence for not providing structure, for failing to teach our children, can be a heavy one.
Many of those children end up in trouble with the law or in substance abuse programs because they have not had any or enough structure in their lives, because they have not been taught the consequences for their actions and society still imposes those consequences. In the best interests of our children we must impose consequences for structure, never forgetting the positive, the rewarding wonderful parts of parenting. Actions speak louder than words. Impose those consequences and before life does so for your children.
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