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The holiday season is right around the corner, and with it comes the inevitable visits with the in-laws. While many people enjoy their spouse's family, thousands, if not millions, of others feel a strong dislike for the family into which they married. As the holidays approach, these people experience an intense sense of dread. For many, due to the severity of the problems with their in-laws, this dread can grow into stress-induced illness or manifest itself in increased fights with a spouse.
Since divorce isn't an option for most people in this situation nor is it usually reasonable to completely cut the difficult family members out of your life, there are some tools and techniques you can utilize to make tough relationships more peaceful for the time being.
To begin with, examine the reasons behind the tension and dislike. Ask yourself questions about the relationship. For instance, do you believe that your mother (or father) in-law resents you because you "took their baby away" from them? Has anything occurred in the past that could lead to dislike? Does your in-laws attempt to control your spouse's life still? Do they meddle? Do they actively promote dislike of you within the family? Do they insult you? Perhaps there was an action or statement which was misunderstood somewhere along the way? Is your in-law just one of those disagreeable persons whom no one seems to like?
Once the underlying problem has been identified, steps can be taken to alleviate the difficulties in the relationship. (Unless the person is just generally unpleasant in which case many experts advocate gritting your teeth and bearing it.) In trying to regain some peace within the family dynamics, first examine your feelings closely. Write them down in language as colorful and as ugly as you want. Use big words and phrases which aren't allowed in polite society (or by your spouse in reference to his or her family). Let your feelings of hurt and anger and disgust cover the paper until you feel them start to subside. One author would create brilliant stories based on her loathsome in-laws and enter them in short story contests.
Then, plan the visit. Some people prefer having the in-laws come to visit so that they're on "your turf." Only do this, however, if they stay in a motel. Never lock yourself into a deal where you'll have to spend most of the time with them. Suggest participation in local tourist or children's activities. This would be the perfect opportunity to encourage your spouse and children to spend quality time with his family. Some outing ideas include trips to the zoo, museums, or a nearby playground. To get even more time away from the, schedule appointments during their visit. While this might seem rude at first glance, it is better than directly telling them to leave for a while.
Try to limit visits with the in-laws to one or two per year, although this can be difficult when children are involved. Because children need a chance to enjoy their grandparents, it is important to attempt healing during the rest of the year. It sometimes helps the relationship if both sides attempt to make peace through neutral letters and phone calls. Often this will allow enough good will to last through the holiday get-togethers.
Mediation with a trained professional is an option for some. At the very least, it allows both parties to express their feelings in a controlled atmosphere.
Occasionally, though, a relationship will be so antagonistic and unpleasant that nothing will change it. In these cases, try to take care of your mental health through journalling, exercise, or whatever works best in stress-filled moments. Before snapping and doing something which will worsen the problem, inhale deeply and slowly, then exhale. Count from one to four as you inhale and count from four to one as you exhale. This will work wonders.
The holidays are supposed to be a time of cheer and goodwill. You owe it to yourself to search for that, even with difficult in-laws around.
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