How important is grammar etiquette?

Robin Thompson, owner of Etiquette Network and the Robin Thompson Charm School, says that grammar etiquette is extremely important. "People will judge you by the way you speak," she says, "especially on the telephone where there are no visual impressions. You could be a technical genius, but if your speech is littered with 'umms,' 'yeahs,' and 'ain'ts,' you won't make a good impression. No matter what part of the country you are from--you can be from the South, North, East, West; accents are different--if you don't enunciate your words, and you say 'I seen' or 'he done went' or 'I ain't gonna do this,' it shows you are lazy. It's not difficult to speak well. How hard is it to say 'yes' instead of 'yeah'? You need to watch your grammar and also your tone. The words you say are affected by how you say them as much as the actual words themselves.

"Using good grammar doesn't mean using big fancy words to impress people," Thompson says. "That does not impress, it just confuses. When I say use good grammar, I mean '"yes please,' 'no thank you,' and if it's appropriate, 'yes ma'am' and 'no ma'am.' Several etiquette books say you should never call anyone 'ma'am,' but I have friends who were brought up in the south, and if they didn't say 'ma'am,' they'd be in trouble! So, if that's their culture and their upbringing, then you should respect that.

"Good grammar is extremely important," Thompson says, "because it's representative of you and your character and your consideration of others. It also speaks volumes about your intelligence. Good grammar isn't anything difficult. It's just a matter of being aware of good habits and manners. Saying 'please' and 'thank you' are extremely important. People will do almost anything for you if you call them by name and say 'please.' People love to hear their names.

"On another note," Thompson says, "if you're on the telephone and need to find out who is calling, 'May I ask who's calling please?' is much more pleasant than 'Who is this?' which sounds harsh and rude. And always say 'thank you' even when someone holds a door open for you. People will do so much more for you and think better of you if you are considerate to them. It's the golden rule - treat others as you want to be treated."

Peggy Post, the great-granddaughter-in-law of the famous Emily Post and author of Emily Post's Etiquette, 17th Edition, also stresses the importance of saying "please" and "thank you." She writes, "To please can be defined as 'giving pleasure,' and there's no question that a request made with a 'please' is much more pleasant than a curt command. Saying please expresses respect and consideration. It also improves efficiency because people are more inclined to comply with a polite request ('Please take your seats'; 'Please answer the phone') than with something that sounds like an order." When it comes to saying "thank you," Post urges people to remember to say thanks not only for obvious things like gifts, but also for the everyday "small kindnesses" that a distracted or self-absorbed person might overlook.