BE CIVIL
Divorce is never easy. There is tension and hostility between you and your spouse that has ultimately led to your decision to end the marriage. It might seem impossible to be cordial to your spouse because of the resentment and anger that you are harboring. If the marriage ended because of adultery, there will be an especially high degree of animosity. However, it is in your best interests to be civil and polite to your spouse in order to get the most out of him or her during your divorce proceedings. You have to change your mindset about your spouse. Your relationship dynamics have shifted from personal to business, and the business is your divorce. You have to commit to ending discussions about the intricacies of your relationship – jealousy, distrust, aloofness, etc. If you are serious about ending the marriage, then your relationship problems are now a moot point. Bickering with each other about perceived character flaws is no longer appropriate, and you both have to get used to that, and commit to ending the bickering. You should now be operating on a much more tangible level of conversation – you should now be making statements when you talk to each other, not judgments. If your spouse is constantly exhibiting the same argumentative behavior as he or she did when you were married, then it can be hard for you to control your impulse to fight back. Don’t do it. Take the high road. Your blood pressure will thank you, and you will find that your spouse will eventually abandon the old behavior when he or she sees that it is not going to be reciprocated. If your spouse is really hard-headed and cannot respect your wish to speak to each other in a civil and respectful non-emotional manner, then you should resort to other forms of communication, such as e-mails or instant messaging. At least through written communication, you are able to avoid getting yelled at. Plus, you can print out any instant message conversations or e-mails that are exchanged so that you have proof of whatever the two of you discussed. If you are able to start a non-emotional relationship with your spouse throughout your divorce proceedings, then your spouse will be less hotheaded and more open to making compromises that will be beneficial to both of you.
COMPROMISE
If you are feeling bitter towards your spouse, you might be craving the sweet taste of revenge. Well, resist the temptation to use your divorce proceedings to get vengeance – it will backfire. If you are unreasonable about what you want to get – like you say that you want all of the money, the cars, the house, and everything in it – your spouse will be on the defensive in response to your demands. Do not try to get things that your spouse would want badly for yourself just to spite them, or they are likely to fight fire with fire. If you make the first step in handling the divorce proceedings in a mature manner, then your spouse is much more likely to emulate your good behavior for the sake of avoiding a messy and trying divorce. Make a list of what possessions you want, and have your spouse do the same. If there are items that you both want, do your best to compromise so that both of you get a fair share. If you want to make things very clear cut, you could work on a strictly monetary scoring system for determining that both of you have an equal share. If you are unsure of the value of some items, you could consult an appraiser. Try to be realistic – neither one of you will be able to get everything that you want; that is virtually impossible. Getting a divorce may be the best decision that you could make for yourself, but the divorce proceedings are not the key to your potential happiness – you are. You will be doing yourself a favor by realizing early on that the material things that you have to barter over during your divorce proceedings are far less important that you maintaining your sanity.
DON’T TRASH TALK
You probably have plenty of bad things to say about your spouse, and those things may very well be completely true. However, you have to fight back the temptation to make your spouse’s personal “dirty laundry” public knowledge. For one, do you really want to suffer the retaliation that your spouse might come back at you with? Your marriage was between the two of you, and just because it is over, you don’t have the right to reveal the intimate details of your very private and personal relationship as a married couple. If you have children, you certainly don’t want to plant seeds of resentment in their minds towards their other parent. If you want to get the most out of your spouse, you will have to respect the privacy of your past together.
