Children's anger management is necessary if your toddler is having problems with peers, parents, or figures of authority. This article will help you to help them understand.
Toddlers seem to speak a completely different language than adults. At times it is hard to understand what our child is saying when they throw a fit in the grocery store over something seemingly trite to an adult's eye. It can seem impossible to reason with your little one in these moments of desperate chaos. Perhaps that may be because reasoning is fit for adults and our small children may not have built up the capacity to reason on our level. What then? How can parents communicate with their toddlers about tantrums, agressive behaviors directed towards themselves and others, and other anger inspired moments? Try meeting your child in their world using their language: PLAY!
Toddlers have reached an age where they are starting to understand what is expected of them by their caretakers. Beginning to internalize caretakers' messages is one way moral development proceeds for toddlers. For example, a toddler that learns that they should not run around the grocery store by their parent's strong reaction is starting to internalize their parent's point of view. Further, toddlers may start to imitate caretaker's behaviors to express internalized messages of expectations (Davies, 1999). Coupled with these new developments toddlers have increased physical, language, and cognitive abilities and seem to be more capable of maneuvering in the world around them. Often times these new developments can cause confusion and ultimately friction between toddler and caretaker. For example, a caretaker may say "no" in response to a toddler's bid for a new toy and the toddler may start to tantrum. Caretakers often note that toddlers seem to have the ability to understand words and may become frustrated at times when their toddler seemingly is not responding to their direct words. These types of situations can be very frustrating, and caretakers may start to think that their toddler is deliberately disobeying them. Further, caretakers ofetn do not have alternative methods of discipline to respond to their angry child. Although toddlers are beginning to have a greater mastery over language, cognition, and moral development skills they are still learning to master these skills and at times may not be able to understand everything a caretaker is communicating.
PLAY!:
Some caretakers and professionals support the use of play to communicate with toddlers about their anger. Toddlers are starting to use play as a type of symbolic commentary of their own life experiences. For example, a toddler may use a larger doll to take away a smaller dolls toy-imitating their experience from the grocery store. Through play opportunities arise to communicate with your toddler on a level they can understand. In the example we have been referencing, where the caretaker says no to the toddler's bid for a new toy, the caretaker may use dolls, puppets, hand shadows, etc. to imitate a resolution acceptable to both toddler and caretaker. Using toys to discuss the confrontation takes the pressure off and provides enough safe distance to approach the topic openly with your toddler. Some useful steps to guide you through the process of using play to communicate with your toddler have been designed by Neil Kalter:
1. Represent the toddlers emotional distress with displacement figures (dolls, puppets, action figures, hand shadows, etc.)by acting out the scenario taking place (without judgemental comments)
2. Make comments about how the behavior (in this case saying NO to the toddler's bid to have a new toy)is upsetting to the child (resist temptation on justifying the No, this is about the child and not about the caretaker's reasons)
3. Express acceptance of the toddlers right to have their feelings (even if you can not understand the child's disappointment- everyone has the right to feel how they feel)
4. Represent alternative ways for the toddler to express and cope with their angry feeling (ie. repeat verbal expressions of anger "I am angry", or making a sign with your child when they do not like something...like holding up their hand etc.)
At first communicating with your child in this way may seem strange and even foolish. Your toddler may not seem to understand the message you are trying to convey. However, with time and consistency you may start to see your child respond to you through play. So, the next time you find yourself in the middle of the grocery store with a tantruming child make sure you are ready to PLAY!
