This articles offers tips to open and maintain communication with your teenager.
Keep the lines of communication open with a moody, sullen teenager can be challenging at best and frustrating at worst. Below are some tips to help get your teen to talk and keep talking.
Set some ground rules
Sit down and write what behavior is acceptable and unacceptable when discussing problems with your teen. Physical and verbal abuse should be at the top of your unacceptable list. Give both of you an opportunity for a timeout: if things get too heated, each party is allowed to take a ten minute break away from the other. Remember, the rules are for both of you. Teens are notorious for pointing out any and all rules you break.
Listen with your ears and not your voice
While it's easy to fall into parent mode when teens come to us with something that's bothering them, sometimes they just want to be heard and not lectured. Resist the temptation to always offer suggestions on how to fix their problems. Believe it or not, sometimes teens just need to know that their problems are important to us, that we care about their lives and the things that bother them. Hearing "I wish my problems were so small" and "You are being silly for letting that bother you" will shut them down quickly and make them reluctant to talk to you the next time they have a problem.
Don't minimize their feelings
As parents, our everyday responsibilities can quickly overshadow what we consider are trivial problems that our teens experience. But our teen's problems are very real to them. Telling them their problems are nothing compared to yours will only reaffirm their believe that you have no desire to understand their lives. Like adults, sometimes teens just need someone to validate what they are feeling. Give them your undivided attention when they are talking about what is going on with their friends and activities.
Telling them you "understand how that feels" or you "hate when that happens too," will show them you genuinely care about how they are feeling and what they are going through.
Give them a voice
How easy is it to tell your teen, "talk to me," then blow up at what they have to say? You've done your job raising a thinking, feeling, human being; why then, are you so surprised when they show you and tell you they have opinions on things? Show them by example that they can say how they feel, but in a respectful manner. By keeping your cool, and remaining calm, you not only will teach them to do the same, but will send them a message what is acceptable behavior in discussing problems and what isn't.
Lighten up
Show your teen that every discussion with you doesn't have to be a major ordeal. Move on when the discussion is over. Punishing your teen after a heated discussion by holding a grudge will only breed resentment on both sides. It's okay to disagree, it's even more okay to agree to disagree. Take some time to clear your head if you need to. When you are ready, make sure your teen knows it's his behavior you don't like, not him.
Raising teens is one of the hardest jobs you'll ever do. Keeping communication open is the key to fostering a good relationship with your teen.
