How to re-enter the dating scene if (1) you're a single mom, (2) your children hate the idea and (3) you have no clue what you're doing.
When you're ready to re-enter the dating scene, you're going to have a lot of questions.This article supplies the answers.
Rebound relationships are pretty much doomed to failure.That's why you want to allow yourself enough time after the ink has dried on the divorce papers to go rushing headlong into a new romance.You also need to ask yourself whether you're interested in dating just for amusing, short-term companionship or whether you're seriously entertaining the possibility of bringing a new father figure into your offspring's lives.Your answer to this will dictate the timeline and the extent to which you bring Mr. New Guy into the fold.
Many women, for instance, will seek out dating partners who have absolutely nothing in common whatsoever with the men they just divorced.While this 180 degree turnaround has sometimes resulted in relationships that even the kids thought was more exciting than a dull or absent biological father, it's not necessary to introduce them to everyone on your dance card.Depending on their age, they need only know that, yes, you're going out and that, if and when an introduction seems appropriate, you'll let them know.On the other hand, a woman who is looking for someone to help her raise her plucky brood will sooner rather than later need to reveal to her swain that they exist and, accordingly, set up some circumstances to test the waters of compatibility.This shouldn't be rushed for two specific reasons: (1) it could scare off a perfectly wonderful guy who feels as if you're trying to trap him into parenthood and (2) it will convey to your children that there is something wrong with being single and independent.
YOU'RE NOT MY DAD
No one likes to have their status quo tweaked with.Especially children.They will, in fact, go to great lengths to sabotage whatever is new and different in the desperate hope that it will convince the parties of the first part to just kiss and make up and put everything back to "normal".That said, any child over the age of talking will probably have a lot to say about why Mr. So and So shouldn't be in your life and that you should just put him back where you found him.
These are the same children, of course, who will later grow up to date functional idiots with multiple tattoos and piercings and scream at you endlessly for not recognizing that "_________ is totally perfect".In a nutshell, they're not going to understand your dating choices any better now than you're going to understand theirs in the future.While you can certainly listen and take their objections under advisement, the bottom line is that you're an adult and, as such, have the freedom to date whomever you wish.
Should the relationship turn serious, you and your beau-who-isn't-Dad could have a long-term albeit not insurmountable fight in establishing ground rules and reciprocal respect.How this new man handles the challenge can be a telling clue as to how he will handle future conflicts.Whether your former spouse is deceased or simply living across town with a stripper, neither you nor your new man should speak ill of him in front of the children nor imply that Mr. New Guy's quest is to completely replace him in their affections and memory.While a deep affection could certainly grow with the passage of time, his role is to be a loving companion to you and a fun/wise/trusting friend to your brood.Forcing the issue to be anything more than that will only cause increased resistance.
Even if you are dating Brad Pitt, Tom Selleck or Sean Connery, the odds are high that your children will be disgruntled about it.What you need to remember is that it's not always that they dislike the guy per se; what they dislike is the idea that someone is taking time away from them.In prioritizing your day and your life, you need to ensure that your children are getting the quality "Mom time" they deserve while still allowing you to enjoy an equitable amount of quality time with someone who makes you happy.
CIRCLE OF FRIENDS
In your quest to get back into circulation, make sure you don't ignore those who have been with you through thick and thin; specifically, your girlfriends.Maybe they weren't as much an active part of your life during your marriage but now that things have changed, their support and companionship are crucial in helping you maintain perspective.Chances are, of course, that they have weathered the same storms and can offer valuable advice on the do's and don't's of modern courtship, especially if you've been out of the scene for a decade or more.These are probably also the same friends you'll be recruiting to babysit your children so that you can get out and have fun, a favor you can reciprocate if they, too, are single moms.Be wary, however, of heeding the counsel of those whose own lives could be labeled dysfunctional or who view every potential suitor as a threat to your friendship.I had a girlfriend, for instance, who was enormously supportive whenever I was going through a break-up but who became critical, cloying and even rude whenever a relationship started going well.Even though I was spending just as much time with her as I always had, she was someone who only knew how to fill the role of a shoulder to cry on instead of a pal to rejoice with.
KIDS ON A DATE
If a handsome stranger offered to take you out to a romantic restaurant for a candlelight dinner and then dancing the night away on a rooftop, would you bring your kids along?Of course not.Yet how many single moms spend the whole night yakking about their little ones or, worse, call them on the cell phone every five minutes to see what they're doing?While it's one thing to be a responsible parent, it's unfair to your date to keep reminding him that you'd rather be at home with the kids than out on the town with him.Savor and enjoy these special moments of being each other's center of attention and discovering whether you have enough in common to let the relationship grow into something more serious.
As things progress, you can gradually introduce opportunities for all of you to do things together.A picnic, an afternoon of miniature golf, a movie""these are relatively low-key venues to observe how he interacts with them and vice versa.This isn't, however, a justification to henceforth do EVERYTHING together.Even if this relationship eventually leads to wedded bliss, the two of you still need to have "alone time" to keep the romance as fresh as it was on that first night of dinner and dancing.
THE STAND-IN
Hard as it may be at the outset to fill the role of both mom and dad (especially if you have full custody), it's not impossible.That said, one of the worst mistakes you can make in a new relationship is to start offloading all of the "dad duties" right after the first date.Asking him to pick up your kiddies after school, take them to appointments, fix broken toys, attend PTA meetings with you, help with the orthodontia bills, or lay on the guilt because he missed a soccer game is a sure way to send him out the door and out of your life.
ACTING RESPONSIBLY
Just because you're a mother doesn't mean you can never have sex again.Even though it appalls most kids to think that their parents ever had sex at all, the idea of you having it with a total stranger is going to freak them out.While it's certainly none of their business what you do on your dates, it's only a matter of time before they start figuring it out and asking you questions.Keep in mind that whatever you're doing is going to come back and haunt you when they are of dating age themselves and hold your own actions up as the rationale for it being okay.Be discreet but, at the same time, don't use your children's feelings as an excuse to avoid intimacy.
BREAKING UP IS HARD TO DO
Maybe you stayed in your marriage longer than you wanted to because you were concerned about the impact a divorce would have on your children.Oddly enough, this same rationale often ends up being applied to new relationships, especially where the guy forms a better bond with your children than you form with him.If this is either the first relationship you've had after the break-up with their father or the one of longest duration, their assumption is going to be that this one is for keeps.Thus, they're going to be confused and angst-ridden when you announce that So-and-So isn't going to be coming around anymore.While that's not to say he can't continue to be a pal if both he and your kids really want to, the connection should not be maintained if it's strictly to keep him in the picture long enough for the two of you to pick up where you left off.
