How To Deal With A Father's Lack Of Involvement

Help your child to cope with the absence or uninvolvement of a father.

Did you know that over one third of the children in the United States do not have a father who lives in the household? Of those children, one in five have not seen their father in over five years. Not having a father around can affect children in many ways; emotionally, financially and scholastically. Statistics indicate that children from fatherless homes tend to have higher drop out rates, be more likely to engage in substance abuse, have poorer health, experience behavioral problems and live in poverty. This is not a pretty picture, and as a concerned parent, you want to do everything that you can in order to lessen the impact of your child's father's absence from the home and lack of involvement in your child's life.

You are not alone. At this point in our history, more children are conceived by unmarried women than by married women. Additionally, well over one million couples in the United States divorce every year. What will make the difference between your child and the children who are referred to in the aforementioned statistics will be how you deal with the situation.

The first step is helping your child deal with the initial loss. If you child is an infant, he can easily pick up changes in your mood, so you must be careful not to let feelings of anger and frustration about the his father come out in his presence. This can result in a high level of anxiety in your baby. Instead, keep to your normal routine, and be present for him as always.

Toddlers are aware that there is a loss if your child's father has moved away due to a divorce. Since they do not understand why this has occurred, they may worry, and become whiny. You can help by spending plenty of good one on one time with your child, and reassure him that you will always love him.

It is tougher for preschool children to cope with the absence of a parent. They are not old enough to understand the reason, so they may feel angry or blame themselves. In fact, this can be true with a child of any age. Encourage your child to talk about his feelings. Do not make it a topic that is off limits.

Of course, some fathers, once they leave the family because of divorce, or perhaps have never joined it in the first place, choose to maintain a high level of contact with their children. These dads involve their children in their lives, respect the child's routine and pay child support. Needless to say, this gives the child a greater sense of security. The problems tend to arise when the father decides to check out of the whole business when his partner announces that she is pregnant, or divorces his wife and moves away, or other scenarios that remove him from the child's life. Being a single parent is tough under any circumstances, and not having the child's father involved can make it even tougher. In some cases, you may be glad that your child's father is absent from the picture. If he is abusive or has a drug abuse problem, both your life and the life of your child will be more stable without his presence. Even so, you must face the difficult task of explaining to your child your family's situation, and making him feel loved, safe and secure.

One of the very best things that you can do for you child is to develop an extensive network of support. If your child has other family members such as grandparents, aunts and uncles to be involved in his life and express their love, he may end up better off than some children from two-parent families. You may be lucky enough to have some good friends who understand the situation and who are willing to step in and provide that extra adult attention that your child may crave. Make sure to expose your child to some good role models. This will especially pay off as he becomes older.

When your child asks questions about his father, don't be dishonest, or use the time to perhaps express a little too much honesty. You do not want to make his father appear to be the most awful person on earth, because then your child may make an incorrect connection that perhaps, he too, is a terrible person, since he has such a terrible father. Instead, present the issue in basic terms. You can say things like, "Your daddy loves you, but he does not know how to be a father. I'll bet he feels sad about that sometimes." If your child's father has an addiction that has kept him from becoming involved, you can say, "Your daddy is very sick. He drinks too much alcohol and that keeps him from being the type of dad who is able to live with his children." Try to tailor your words to the child's age, and don't offer more information than the child seems to be asking for, as this can cause children to become confused or feel overwhelmed.

Emphasize that all families are different. There are a number of books available in your local bookstore that address this topic. If you are so inclined, you may even want to read a book about kids who live with their dad and not their mom, so that your child can see that there are all sorts of familial arrangements. Make sure that your child understands that you both are a family, not just a part of a family. Don't let being a single parent discourage you from doing family activities such as joining the Cub Scouts, taking vacations or going out to restaurants. These things can be done economically when necessary, and will make your child feel more a part of mainstream society.

Ensure that your child feels comfortable talking to you about his father when he feels the need or has some questions. Don't cultivate an atmosphere of secrecy. If he would like to see a picture of his father, let him. Talk about some of the positive things that you liked about his father. Do not let the anger you may have towards his father come out when you are having these discussions. That is what good friends are for! Of course, it is completely appropriate for you to express how disappointed you once were that his father was not able to be part of your family, but that is not something that should be dwelled upon in the conversation.

Allow your child to express any feelings of uncertainty or anger that he may have. This is perfectly normal. It is far better for him to have these communications with you than to let his feelings build up inside him. Make sure that he understands that he is in no way to blame for his father's lack of involvement. This issue may arise again and again throughout the years, especially if your child's father pops in for erratic impromptu visits. Continue to reassure your child that his father's decisions are not your child's fault.

Try to obtain child support. Some men can make some very persuasive arguments as to why they should not pay it, or try to evade paying it, but be persistent, and get your state's Attorney General's Office involved if necessary. One reason that so many children without fathers in their lives live in poverty is because of lack of support by the absent parent. It is difficult enough supporting a child on one income. Go for the support that your child deserves. You are his advocate in this regard.

Above all, remember that you and your child are a family. Do not focus on a father's absence or lack of involvement; rather, focus on the things that you do together, and build a solid foundation of your own.

© Demand Media 2011