This article will give the reader some help on decisions: where in their marriage they stand, considering where the relationship is now and where it is going.
Divorce is a widespread phenomenon in our society today. Just looking at a few statistics can convince you of this; in fact, over fifty percent of marriages end up in divorce. Is divorce inevitable? Many people find that they will have happy marriages for the entire time they are married. What is their secret?
The main reasons for divorce today are very similar. They are usually the lack of pre-marital counselling, incompatibility, lack of conflict resolution, financial problems, stress and the lack of ability to communicate. If you feel you should get a divorce look at what went wrong in the first place. When is the first time you thought you should have married a different person? What event triggered this? Did you ever take the time to tell your partner about this event and have you tried to solve it?
Often the answer to these questions is no. Divorce should be a last resort, and not even an option. The marriage vows do state, "till death do us part" and not "till I don't like you anymore". Especially if you have children the choice doesn't only involve you and your spouse, but them as well. Many children end up traumatised by a divorce and will also have divorces when they are grown up because they never saw a successful marriage. This way the viscous cycle continues.
If you are feeling unhappy in your marriage, talk to your spouse. One of the first mistakes is to bottle everything up inside, and then boil over. The entire thing could probably be avoided if you take the time to talk to each other, consider each other's feelings and try to work things out. Take each other seriously and avoid putting the other one down. Respect is one of the most important things in marriage since you do want to feel respect and belonging in your own home. After the honeymoon period is over, it is often hard to rehash those first feeling, and butterflies that you had in the first part of your marriage. They are not the reason you want to get married though. Love and butterflies are not the same thing. Love is something much larger then that and you have to keep working on it. Do not stop giving your girl flowers or taking her to her favourite restaurant as soon as you are married. That is one large reason for divorce as well, the woman complains that her man changed and the man say the same thing about the woman. If you keep being romantic, she will keep being loving towards you as well, but if you stop, so will she.
Raising the children in different ways may be a problem in your marriage as well. You need to show a united front to your children, or they might start to see one parent as the one that gives only punishment and the other as the one that says yes to everything. Make sure you consult each other for major decisions, and do not just permit your children to change their curfew without talking to each other. It is important to talk about your children before you have them so you will know what to expect from each other.
Sex is also a reason for divorce. Often the woman doesn't want to have sex until she feels that everything is fine between her and her husband. She is unable to have sex if there is an unsolved conflict and will feel used if the husband keeps demanding it. Often men see sex just as another part of marriage, whereas a woman views it as an expression of deep love and tenderness.
To start saving your marriage you both have to acknowledge that a problem exists in your marriage. Marriage has to be worked on every day of the married life. You also need to be able not to blame each other for the failure of the marriage. If there are problems in your marriage it is due to both of you anyway. You need to both work on the problems of the marriage together and keep each other accountable without blaming each other. You will also need to be willing to seek professional help if your efforts to repair your marriage on your own are failing.
Make sure you do not bring up past issues when you argue, and just stay with the issue at hand. If you do not do this, the whole argument will start to be a blaming one, instead of just a difference of opinions. Be able to forgive and forget. If you do not forget, then you do not really forgive because the issue will be brought up again. Many people that get divorce have entire lists of wrongdoing of their spouses memorised that they will unleash upon their partner while arguing. This is a very unhealthy habit since it will encourage hate and resentment to grow.
A good way to begin working towards a better marriage is to have a weekly time together where you tell each other one thing that you liked about your partner the past week, and what you would enjoy to do with the partner. Then do those things together, and start having fun as a couple again. Also let each other know what you do not like about the other person without placing blame. Limit this discussion to one thing per week, and during the next week try to change that thing about you. Don't state things such as, "I hate the way you are overweight", but say something like "I wish you could be a little bit thinner - just the way you were back when I met you. Want to start exercising together?" This kind of question will not make your partner feel bad about themselves and the exercise as a couple will help you both benefit and will let you spend time together.
Overall, make sure you don't just divorce without even trying to repair the marriage. Try to remember why you married your spouse in the first place, and try to get that first love back, even if it takes professional help. Work on your marriage and do not give up, and you will find that it is possible to start being in love again, even if it is after twenty years of marriage.
