Realizing the loss of a pregnancy is one of the most difficult life events. But effective coping strategies can make this period of adjustment easier.
Receiving the news that you have lost or are going to lose your baby is difficult and painful to describe. The heartache felt is hard to put into words. Even if the pregnancy was not planned or you were just learning to accept it, the loss can be devastating.
The typical response by friends and relatives are those of trying to get pregnant again right away. This thought may initially offer some comfort that there is hope but it does not eliminate your pain from the baby you did lose. No matter how much you may want another baby, no child can be replaced by a sibling.
Denial is often the first stage of grieving experienced by pregnant moms being told they are having a miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy or stillbirth. When you discovered you were pregnant, cradling a newborn in your arms was all you thought about. To imagine that joy being taken away from you is difficult to bear. It is perfectly normal to think that if you do something maybe your pregnancy can be saved. But if either of the above pregnancy losses are really occurring there is nothing to be done to save your baby. Facing these fears is unimaginable and you don't need to accept it right away. Denial is perfectly alright and going with those feelings initially will help you in the healing process.
Blaming yourself is another normal occurrence when a pregnancy terminates itself. But in most cases it was nothing you did to cause the loss. One out of four pregnancies end in miscarriage and when ectopic pregnancies and stillbirths are included the number rises. You are not alone and not to blame. Life often is not fair and this is one of those horrible times when you are being dealt an unfair deal.
You may also feel a bit in shock. It is a tragedy that is very difficult to understand and feeling like you have been run over by a truck is perfectly reasonable. Don't berate yourself and expect life to resume to normalcy right away. Our society does not deal well with death and grief so expect very few people to understand your mourning period and make the choice to not associate with anyone who is not supportive of your feelings. They are your very own feelings and no one else can take away what you need to feel.
Once you do come to terms with what happened, it won't stop you from wanting to talk about it. But you can expect that many people are uncomfortable with another's pain and your idea of sharing about your lost baby may not be what other people can handle. You can either let them know it is okay to talk about it and actually helps you to heal or you can look for people more willing to be a supportive shoulder for you in this difficult time.
It may take a long time to be able to be without tears around pregnant women and newborn babies. Seeing what you don't have is very difficult and painful. Give yourself a break and don't beat yourself up for feeling that way. Just avoid what makes you feel bad until you feel better able to handle it. The time really will arrive when you have healed from your loss and will be ready to move on. It may take one week or maybe one year. Either way, taking care of yourself the way you need to be taken care of is exactly what you should do.
