How To Encourage Your Preteen

While it is tempting to switch the discipline lever into high gear, this may be a time of careful diplomacy that requires a delicate balance of a watchful mind and a patient heart. Before jumping the gun to nail that smart aleck remark or an undone chore, try a little encouragement first to see if that doesn't help to grease the wheels of cooperation:

1. Offer a listening ear. Keep tabs on your preteen's daily activities at school and with friends. Learn who and what are important so you will know when something goes amiss how serious he or she may view it. Casual criticisms of friends or teachers may deserve closer inspection:

-"You feel Mrs. Smith wasn't fair today? Tell me about it."

Time is the most precious commodity, and giving amply to your child can render great results as she learns to trust you and open up, leading to increased understanding.

2. Keep on hugging. Hugs, kisses, and other occasional caresses are especially valuable at this key time of your child's development. Some parents pull away during their son or daughter's puberty, but at heart your kids are still very much like kids. So don't stop the physical affection, though it may need to change. For example, they are too big at this age to sit on your lap or cuddle in bed. And they may not appreciate a public display of affection. Determine your child's boundaries for physical touch and respect them.

3. Do fun things together. Some days just seem to be a long string of "no" answers:

"No, you can't go to the mall with Susie."

"No, you can't have $3 for ice cream."

"No, you can't postpone your chores until later."

When possible, say "yes" occasionally. And punctuate discipline and a daily schedule of school and house work with fun activities. Rent a video or go out for fast food. Some parents call this having a weekly "date" with their child, minus the traditional romantic meaning. It's a one-to-one time of focusing your attention exclusively on a son or daughter who needs to know they still matter deeply to a parent.

4. Be a helper. When assigning a household duty or some other new responsibility, take adequate time to teach your child the skills needed to be successful. Then share the task occasionally to foster an appreciation of team work. Working together helps reduce any feelings of being "put upon" to do something the parent can't or won't do.

5. Send special messages occasionally. Whether by email or a handwritten note, preteens enjoy special attention from their parents. Stick a note on the fridge, on the bathroom mirror, or in a lunch bag. Send an email just to say "I'm proud of you for working hard on that math assignment" or "I'm glad you've decided to enter the Science Fair."

6. Continue to balance privileges with responsibility. While it's tempting to treat preteens like young adults sometimes, they're still kids who need parental supervision and guidance. Boundaries remind kids of their limits and allow them to try out new freedoms in small doses. Lovingly explain why a rule exists and what the likely outcomes of obedience and disobedience may be:

-"Staying up to 2 a.m. means you'll miss the school bus tomorrow."

-"Getting to bed by 10 p.m. means you'll feel rested in the morning and be ready for your quiz."

7. Use positive expressions frequently: "I knew you could do it," "You're brilliant!" and "You were clever to refuse that temptation" help to show your child that you encourage their strengths. When a mistake happens, try something like this:

-"You'll do better next time."

-"This was a helpful learning experience."

-"We've all done something like this before."

Preteens thrive on parental support. In fact, research shows that parents continue to be the strongest influence in their children's lives well into the teen years. So make the most of this opportunity to guide your child well, and neither of you will regret it.