Becoming a preteen brings with it a difficult period of uncertainty. Looks, personality, possessions, and skills all come into question by the child and his or her peers.
If your preteen is showing signs of insecurity and you are looking for ways to help build her self-confidence , you may want to give the following strategies a try. Keep in mind that all kids are different, and one may respond very differently from another. In general, however, preteens need a lot of parental love, patience, and support.
1. Don't hide your love. Though you may feel more awkward hugging your child that's now obviously turning into an adult, don't stop showing affection. More than ever, your child needs to know you care, and appreciates your showing it, but not in front of the friends. Hugs and a kiss on the cheek are valued in private, like after school or before bed. A pat on the head or back in passing conveys a brief touch that allows the two of you to feel connected. Verbal affirmation is important as well. Never stop saying "I love you" whether your child says it or not. Praise and encouragement help at this time, too.
2. Be her biggest fan. Go to the ball games, drama performances, dance reviews, or whatever other activities your preteen is involved with. Your presence speaks volumes. Not attending sends an equally strong message that she is not as important as whatever kept you away. Cheer from the sidelines and make snacks for the group she's involved with. Let her know you care about this activity in her life, and that you're confident she will do a good job.
3. Do things together to improve her skills. Go shopping, cook a meal, sew an outfit. Just spending time together will show your child that she is valuable, thus enhancing her self-image. Learning a new skill will increase her self-confidence and perhaps get her involved with others who will appreciate her talent in this area. Lead where she can comfortably follow.
4. Support her friendships. Instead of criticizing her friends, invite them over. Unless they are overtly obnoxious or bad-mannered, you can monitor their behavior in your home. If they do something questionable, don't accuse them outright or challenge your daughter when they leave. Instead, quietly ask a few questions:
"Is Tara allowed to tell those jokes at home?"
"Did Sandy really mean it when she said she never does homework?"
A questioning approach allows your daughter to answer objectively and think through a situation for herself. Rather than putting her on the defensive, you're showing faith in judgment to make a good call, and her self-confidence will grow when you do so.
5. Ask her opinion. After listening to the news together, see what she thinks. Or in pointing out a neighborhood problem, ask her opinion. She will learn to express her own views in a safe environment where she feels respected, and this may carry over to friendships that will help her feel more confident and less inhibited.
As children grow up, they may doubt themselves at times as they begin to enter the world of adults where everyone seems much older and smarter than they are. Encourage your preteens with strategies like these to reinforce the idea they are valuable and loveable at any age.
