Many parents describe teenagers as if they were a different species, forgetting that they, too, once belonged to this frequently emotionally elusive tribe. Many people, once they begin to remember their teenage days, remember feelings of awkwardness and an uncertainty that extended to questioning who to trust.
As a parent, it is easy to slip into the trap of getting into power struggles with your teen over the state of his or her room, grades, curfew and other touchy topics. Often, in the struggle, the actual relationship between the parent and the teenager suffers. One way that you can improve this dynamic is to remove yourself from the power struggle.
It sounds difficult; because of course you must watch out for your teen’s well being and continue to be a concerned parent. The first thing you should do, however, is to choose your battles carefully. If your teen is struggling in school, is it really worth an argument to chew him out over the state of his room? Focus on the areas that are most important, and you’ll avoid becoming sucked in to a relationship where your role is that of parental nag.
One way to avoid power struggles is to have an open dialogue. If you are in a struggle over a proposed curfew time, sit down with your teen and discuss your concerns. Do not insinuate that your teen might do inappropriate things, rather, talk about your concerns for her safety. If your teen can come up with some ideas that would help reassure you of her safety were she to stay out later, then perhaps you might want to add an extra half hour or an hour to the time. As parents, we tend to dismiss negotiating in teenagers as mere arguing, when actually; it is a valuable skill that all adults need to know, especially in the business world. Home is a good place to begin learning these skills. The conversation should be kept at a respectful level at all times, just as it would if it were taking place with an individual outside of the family. If emotions begin to run high, say, “Let’s continue this conversation when both of us are feeling ready to talk about it in a calm way,” or something to that effect. Make sure that your teen feels empowered, and not dismissed. Teenagers are stuck in a purgatory of sorts between childhood and adulthood, and they want very much to be treated as adults. As parents, we can certainly treat them as adults insofar as we can speak to them in a manner befitting a conversation between two adults. By doing so, and breaking out of the child-parent communication mold, you are modeling healthy interactions for your teen’s future relationships with colleagues, friends, and even a future spouse and children.
Make sure that you create time to spend with your teen. Communication can be very difficult if the only time that it is used is when discussing grades and other potentially sticky issues. Consider how you would feel if your spouse only spoke to you at length when he or she was concerned about your spending or cleaning habits. That would make for an awkward unhappy marriage, and you certainly don’t want that to be the communicative environment that you create for your teen. And yes, as the adult model, you are the person responsible for creating the overall environment, by indicating which forms of communication are acceptable and which are not.
When you spend time with your teenager, you may find that you need to schedule it into your day. Americans seem to be so busy today, that the day is over before we know it, and we have not engaged in anything much beyond work, a long commute, dinner and some television. Try meeting your teen for lunch sometime. Take him or her to a place outside of the school setting, however! Or perhaps the two of you can go out for dinner while the rest of the family has a “sandwich night.” Let your teenager decide where he would like to go. Try going to see a movie together; a movie that he has chosen. When watching television together, talk about the show, as opposed to each being separate, passive observers. Many interesting conversations can arise out of watching television shows together, as long as both parties are engaged. This is one reason to reconsider the setup that many families have in their homes now, where everyone has their own television and DVD player in their own rooms. It is much more pleasant to discuss a moral quandary that has arisen on a television show together, or to laugh at the antics of a comedy together.
Of course, as a parent you are responsible for setting limits. Hanging out with your teen does not mean that you become his or her best friend. However, when you set limits, make sure that they have been discussed, and that it is clear what consequences will occur if the limits are broken. Be consistent. This is only fair. Teenagers will naturally test limits, and if you do not stick to the limits you have set, you will only set both of you up for a battle later on. When enforcing limits, be matter of fact, as opposed to emotional. You can say something to the effect of, “When I asked you to be home by 11:30, that is exactly what I meant. Since you chose to come home after midnight instead, you will not be able to go out with your friends next week. I hate to worry about your safety, and I hope that you will remember your curfew the next time you go out.” When your teen argues with your decision, validate his or her feelings, but stand firm. “I know that you are disappointed that you won’t be able to go to Julie’s party next week. I’m sorry that you decided to break your curfew this week. Sometimes it is easy to lose track of time. I hope you’ll be more careful managing your time the next time you go out with your friends.” Of course you’ll come up with your own language, but the main idea is that you are not blaming your teen, or making blanket negative statements such as, “You always break rules. I can’t count on you at all.” Such statements cause the teen to feel very defensive, and do nothing to build the parent-teen relationship.
Put plenty of focus on the good choices that your teen is making. Remember the old saw, “Catch them doing something right!” Indirect praise works as well as direct praise. It is always good to tell your teen that you are proud of them, which is something that many teens hear far too seldom, if at all. You can also mention, within his or her hearing, how proud you are of the artistic talent that your teen recently displayed in painting his room, what good taste he has in movies, or what an affinity that she has for foreign languages. Don’t be embarrassingly gushy, but do mention his accomplishments.Talking about your teen in directly in front of him can backfire, but if he is aware from the periphery that you are proud and are sharing your good feelings, he will not be able to help but feel the good esteem that you hold him in.
Try letting go of any stereotypes that you have picked up on about teens from the media and relate to your teen as the young individual that he is, without prejudice. Yes, you may have changed his diapers, but he is an autonomous person now, struggling to find his own unique identity, and you can help him along this path. When you relate to your teen as a wonderful human being whom you enjoy spending time with, your relationship can be transformed, and you can enjoy the benefits of a mutually healthy, enjoyable relationship.
