There are many debates among parents and child care specialists about which punishments are most effective, and which do not work. Some experts believe that punishment itself is ineffective. Their claim is that if your child has come to a point at which punishment is warranted, your disciplinary methods have already failed and should be re-evaluated. Nonetheless, if you feel it is time to administer punishment to your child, avoid these pitfalls that may make it a lost lesson.
Methods of punishment in themselves are not necessarily effective or ineffective. The determining factor in whether a punishment is effective or not depends on how the parent administers the punishment. If a punishment is given unfairly, inconsistently, or too often, or if it perpetuates bad behavior, it can bring about the opposite effect than was intended.
If a punishment is doled out unfairly, for example, when the child did not actually do anything wrong, it undermines all punishments that the parents may give. Punishments are consequences, and teach a child cause-and-effect relationships. This is why it is very important to give the child the benefit of the doubt if you are not 100% certain that he committed the offense in question. If your child is punished for something he didn’t do, he begins to see punishment as unfair, rather than a fair consequence to an inappropriate action. It gives the child no incentive to behave better, since he may end up punished whether he is following the rules or not.
Punishments also need to be consistent. If a child learns that she will be punished only some of the time when she breaks a rule, she begins to test boundaries. Rules, limits and threats become questionable when the child knows that they have no real meaning. It is easy to give into temptations and gamble on the consequences when the odds are in her favor. Why not break curfew if there is a good chance nothing will come of it? Why bother doing chores if one can get away with it? Inconsistent punishment only teaches a child to push harder to get away with wrongdoing, rather than trying to correct her behavior.
Punishing too often or too harshly also brings about poor results in discipline. It sends the message that the parent is a time bomb and will go off occasionally no matter what the child does. Mistakes are part of life, and it is only natural that children will make some poor choices. By trying to keep your child on the straight and narrow, allowing little to no margin for error or human nature, you may be pushing your child toward rebellion. A child may adopt the attitude, “If I’m going to get punished anyway, I might as well do what I want.”
Finally, it is the parent’s responsibility to teach a child good behavior by setting an example of how a person should act. This is why yelling, hitting, or destroying a child’s property is ineffective. Employing any of these methods only serves to communicate the message that when one is in a power position (such as bigger, or in charge) that it is okay to lose one’s temper and hurt people in a weaker position. Teaching a child that it is okay to yell, hit, or destroy something, even when anger is justified, teaches her that yelling, hitting and destruction is acceptable when she feels justified. There is no evidence that spankings work better than groundings or being given additional chores. Clear limits and fair, consistent consequences make punishment more effective no matter what method the parent chooses. There is a great deal of evidence, however, that children who are yelled at and spanked develop aggressive behavior towards others, frequently adopting the habit of yelling or hitting when they are angered. If you want to teach your child that they are responsible for their own self control, you must set an example they can follow.
Punishment itself is actually the least effective method of discipline. The most effective method is positive reinforcement--that is, making a point to let the child know that you notice efforts towards good behavior. Letting him know that he is doing things well boosts his confidence in himself and gives him incentive to continue to do well. A simple comment can do wonders, such as, “Johnny, I appreciate you sitting and reading quietly at the doctors office while you waited for me. Thank you,” or, “Judy, I noticed you put your toys away without me asking. That was very responsible of you.”
Negative enforcement, or letting a child know that you are displeased with their behavior, is the next preferred disciplinary action. It is in a child’s nature to want to please people. Only when these options are exhausted should we resort to punishment. When the only time we let children know that we notice them is when they have already crossed the line, it only leads to more negative attention-seeking or rebellion.
