1) YOU’RE A BAD BOY (GIRL).
Criticizing a child by telling them that they are bad can give your child a low self image. If a child is convinced they are innately bad (stupid, ugly, etc.), they will usually do little to try and change. Trying to be good is pointless if they believe they are bad. Instead of criticizing the child, criticize the action. “That behavior is not acceptable,” or, “I know you can behave better than this,” is a much better option. It addresses the behavior, while showing the child that they have the power to choose to behave better.
2) YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT.
This is a self-esteem crusher. Never dismiss a child’s thoughts, feelings, ideas, or beliefs. Try to get the child to explain what he is saying so that you understand it from his point of view. “Why do you think that?” or, “I don’t know about that. We’ll have to look into it,” are better ways to address the child without putting him down.
3) WHY CAN’T YOU BE MORE LIKE YOUR SISTER (BROTHER, COUSIN, FRIEND)?
Comparing children to one another is a great way to foster a rebellious attitude and cause rivalry between siblings and peers. When you tell your child she should be more like someone else, she gets the message that she is inferior to other people. This can cause an inferiority complex in which the child will always be trying to see if she can measure up to other people. Allow your child to be herself; praise her for what she does well, and offer her guidance and help with her weaknesses, without bringing other people into it.
4) YOU’RE PERFECT!
While it sounds harmless, over praising your child can be as dangerous as not praising him enough. Too much praise can give the child a superiority complex. It can also make the child “praise hungry,” so that they will expect to be highly praised for every little thing he does. When he doesn't get it, he will wonder what he did wrong. In addition, if praises are exaggerated and blown out of proportion, the child will realize it and begin to doubt your sincerity. Too much high praise becomes unrealistic and meaningless, making all praise just empty words. Save praise for when it is deserved, and make it specific to fit the particular situation.
5) YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!
Shame promotes guilt, and guilt can give a child a terrible complex that will deepen with every mistake or poor choice a child makes. A child should never have to feel ashamed for her actions. Even if she did something wrong, ask why she behaved that way and help her understand why her actions are wrong. Also help her understand that, as humans, we sometimes make mistakes or do things we regret. Let her know that this is part of the learning process, and that she has the power to make things right, and make better choices in the future. Allow her the luxury of being able to forgive herself for her youthful blunders so that she can move on.
6) GOD WON’T LET ANYTHING BAD HAPPEN TO US.
If you are religious, you have probably told your child that God will take care of him. And there is nothing wrong with that, as long as it accompanies an understanding that God helps those who helps themselves. God has His own plan, and you can’t always know what might be in it. If a child believes God will protect him from everything he perceives as bad, and then something bad does happen, it can lead to a crisis of faith. The child will wonder what he did for God to turn His back on him, or wonder why God is not doing his job. When trying to comfort your child, don’t make any promises that God Himself didn’t make.
7) DON’T WORRY; NOTHING IS EVER GOING TO HAPPEN TO ME (DADDY, GRANDMA, ETC.)
As much as we would like to protect our child from the pain of seeing a loved one get ill, hurt, or die, we simply can’t. It is unfair to delude children by letting them think that everyone will always be there for them. When something does happen, the blow is particularly hard because it comes so unexpectedly for a child who has been told it wouldn’t happen. Instead of trying to protect them from something you can’t, talk about their fears with them. Assure them that if something ever did happen, you would always be in their heart and there would always be someone to take care of them. They may not like hearing it, or they may want to talk about it further. This issue calls for a frank discussion, not building fantasies.
8) I KNEW YOU COULDN’T DO IT.
When a child fails, they are upset enough. We don’t need to rub salt into that wound by telling them we didn’t believe in them. Even if it was something we warned them not to try, it is no time to gloat or start with I-told-you-so’s. This sends the message that we don’t have faith in them. As parents, we want to send the message that we did believe in them, and that we are not upset if they ever fail. Failing is part of learning, and children need to know that we still love them and have faith in them, even if they do fail sometimes.
9) BECAUSE I SAID SO, THAT’S WHY.
You want your child to view you as a respected authority figure, not a dictator. Every household rule and parenting decision should have a reason behind it. Tell the child the reason you want them to behave in a certain way, rather than giving them an ultimatum. Ultimatums only spur rebellion.
10) I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU WANT.
Children get very hurt when we can’t respect their feelings, or be understanding about things they view as important. Telling your daughter you don’t care about her feelings is demeaning to her, and can cause her to distance herself from you as they grow older. If you want to teach your child to care about and respect other people’s feelings, you need to show respect for her own. Letting her know that you take seriously whatever she feels lets her know that you will never trivialize her emotions or ridicule her opinions, thus helping to keep the lines of communication open.
