DON’T FORCE IT
Being a parent isn’t easy even under the best of circumstances, but trying to be a parent to a child who you haven’t raised – being a step parent – is even harder. It is understandable that your new spouse’s children from a past relationship or marriage are going to be leery of inviting a new parent into their lives. It is also probably very hard for you to know what your role is as a step parent. When you become a parent, you have unconditional love for your child. However, when you become a step parent, the love is not guaranteed in the same way. You may not get a warm reception at all, and this might compel you to take broad steps to create a strong relationship with your step children. Unfortunately, pushing too hard can make you seem insincere in a teenager’s eyes. Your step child or step children may fear trusting you because they won’t understand why you would suddenly bombard them with attention. Instead of going crazy trying to become close to your teenaged step child, try to let things happen more naturally. If you were dealing with a young child, then you might have an easier time because you could just “play” with him or her, but a teenager is a different story altogether. Teenagers have developed their own personalities to an extent that you should try to get to know them before you expect a tight bond to form. If you find that the two of you have a common interest, then you should explore that more – try to bond over your commonalities rather than forcing a false connection. Even though a teenager is close to adulthood, a teen is not an adult. While you – an adult – think that because you love your spouse, you automatically love your spouse’s children, a teenager does not think that just because he or she loves his or her parent who loves you that he or she has to therefore love you too. It might even be the very opposite – they might resent or hate you because of your relationship with their parent. They might feel like you are the “evil” newcomer, devastating the relationship between their biological parents. Every situation is different and has its own set of complications and hurdles to overcome. Baby steps are the best way to make a lasting relationship flourish. Gradual change will be much easier to adjust to and handle for your new teen stepchild, so just be patient and understanding! Good things come to those who wait.
DON’T TAKE OVER
The last thing that you want to do if you are trying to win over a teen step child’s heart is to try to take control of them. He or she is already a teenager and has grown up for thirteen plus years without your input, and therefore it will not be received well if you try to take the reigns and start setting up new rules. You should not assume the role of disciplinarian, especially not right off the bat when you get married to his or her parent. Your spouse should be the authority to his or her children, especially teenagers, until you have established your place in the home and you know his or her children very well. If you try to take over, you will alienate yourself from the teen, and it will be very hard to repair the damage so that you can establish a relationship in the future. Work on being a friend first, and concentrate on establishing trust. You want them to like you before you expect them to love you.
BE WILLING TO FORGIVE
You have to understand that it is going to be a hard transition for your step child to make. The stressful period is likely to bring out the worst in everyone, especially teenagers. Be forgiving of as much as you can. If you are compassionate, it will show your new step child that you are an easygoing person who doesn’t hold a grudge. If a teenager sees that you are not going to push him or her away from you just because of a bad attitude, then they are more likely to begin to have trust and faith in you. I’m not saying that you should become a human doormat, but you should try to let things go unless they are major – the future of your relationship is far more important than a tiff.
