When To Forgive Infidelity

Infidelity puts a major strain on a marriage, and in many cases, a marriage cannot be salvaged after an affair. However, not all marriages have to be destroyed after an affair, and forgiveness is possible.

Finding out that your spouse has been unfaithful can be a devastating blow.Your initial impulse reaction is probably inexplicable hurt and anger.You have been betrayed in such an enormous way.Your trust has been trampled on by the very person who promised to be faithful to you for the rest of your life.Trust is the foundation of a healthy relationship, and that foundation has been crushed by your spouse through infidelity.Don't deny yourself the opportunity to fully experience your feelings of rage, sadness, and resentment.It is not going to help you to suppress your true - and warranted - emotions.Give yourself time to come to grips with what has happened.Give yourself time to do some introspection as to what has happened and why you think that this is an obstacle that your marriage is encountering.Not all marriages have to end as the result of an affair.If the two of you make the commitment to move past this, you may be able to.On the flip side, realize that there is also a chance that your marriage cannot survive an affair, even if the both of you want very much to make it through this.Here are some instances where you should give forgiveness a chance after discovering that you spouse has been unfaithful:

When there is True Remorse

How did you find out about your spouse's affair?Believe it or not, the way that you discovered the infidelity matters quite a bit.If you walked in on your spouse with another man or woman, or if you "caught" your spouse in some other way, then you are likely to have a harder time forgiving your spouse than if he or she has come clean to you and admitted the indiscretion willingly - without being questioned or suspected by you.If your spouse did not tell you on his or her own volition, then it is harder for you to determine whether your spouse is truly sorry for the affair or if your spouse is just sorry that he or she got caught.If your spouse is able to express genuine remorse and accept responsibility for what he or she has done to you and to your marital union, then there is hope for forgiveness.If your spouse, on the other hand, is defensive and combative when you discover that he or she has been having an affair, then your spouse does not deserve your forgiveness.

When the Love Isn't Gone

Are you in love with your spouse?If you still love your spouse after discovering that he or she has been unfaithful, then there is a glimmer of hope for your marriage.Love is such a powerful emotion, and it can help you to overcome even the most seemingly-insurmountable experiences and traumas.However, your love isn't enough.Is your spouse still in love with you?You have to ask this tough question, and you have to demand an honest and authentic answer.Make it clear that you are not interested in being placated - you want the truth.If the two of you are still in love, then your relationship has a chance of survival, but if the love is gone, then the marriage is most likely beyond repair.

When You Can Both Agree on a Plan

If you and your spouse have decided that you want try to stay together, it is vitally important that you establish a plan of action for rebuilding and strengthening your relationship.You should insist that the two of you seek professional help.If your spouse is unwilling, you should be unwilling to agree to stay together.Once you get into counseling, ask for clear and specific advice about how to re-connect with each other.If you and your spouse are not willing to devote the same energy and attention to your marriage, then you are never going to be able to truly forgive your spouse's infidelity.However, if your spouse can prove to you that he or she is willing to do whatever it takes - to go above and beyond - to save your marriage, then you have a good shot at getting through the affair.

© Demand Media 2011