Foster parenting guide: discusses common pitfalls experienced by new foster parents in welcoming a child into their home for the first time.
It is ten o'clock at night. There is a knock at your door. Government agents force their way in, ignoring your protests, and demand that you come with them. They briefly explain that you are being relocated and that you have ten minutes to pack one bag with the belongings you will be taking with you. You may take nothing that will not fit into the bag. You may not talk to your family nor tell them good bye. You do not know where you are going. Sound like fiction? Can't happen to you? Yet that is exactly what thousands of children experience on a daily basis when they are taken into foster care. Bringing a foster child into your home for the first time is not an easy experience. It is scary and filled with many problems. With a little thought, consideration and understanding many common problems can be avoided.
New foster parents welcome children into their homes expecting them to be grateful and relieved at being placed into foster care. Children, however, are not part of the placement process and have very different feelings about being removed from their homes and placed into foster care. If you would avoid problems when taking a foster child into your home, here are a few things which you must consider:
1. Children may be removed from their home and placed into foster care for a variety of reasons, including abuse, neglect or lack of proper care. Natural parents may or may not be a part of the problem which caused the child to be placed into foster care; most often natural parents care about their children and placement into foster care is brought about by circumstances beyond their control.
2. The reason for placement into foster care does not really matter. You will find that the foster child maintains a strong and natural bond with their natural parents and family regardless of the circumstances that brought about their placement. Even abuse and neglect do little to reduce this natural bond. The foster child's primary goal will probably be reunification with their natural family.
3. Having been removed from their natural home without warning, without having a voice in the process, and without knowing when they will be going home results in children that are frightened, confused, angry and uncooperative.
4. The child will consider the new foster parents as the primary and immediate representatives of the power that removed them from their home. Any feelings that the foster child may have about the placement will be acted out towards the person they blame for the placement, the foster parent.
5. The foster child is very rarely grateful for the foster care forced upon them.
Most new foster parents make the decision to become involved due to a love of children and a desire to help. They do not expect to be faced with anger, resentment, fear and animosity as a result of trying to help the child. Being unprepared to deal with the realities of the child's feelings can make the foster family experience traumatic for both the foster child and the foster parent. A little forethought, understanding and compassion, however, can make the experience one that will forever change the lives of both the foster child and the foster parent, enriching both far beyond the cost of the child care. Here are a few tips to consider when dealing with your new foster child:
1. Never make judgments about the natural parents, even when the circumstances seem obvious. This is not the responsibility of the foster parent. Especially never make disparaging remarks about the natural parents or family in front of the child. It is best not to discuss the issues surrounding the child's placement with the child at all unless the child brings the subject up. In responding to the child's statements or questions about their removal from their natural home, if you cannot be supportive of the child's natural family, at least remain neutral and be supportive of the child. Do not discuss the circumstances or possible allegations against the natural parents with the child. Acknowledge the child's feelings, and help the child make arrangements to speak with their social worker or case manager concerning placement issues. Never take sides or allow yourself to be manipulated into taking sides.
2. Never try to replace a child's natural family, or put yourself in between a child and their natural family. Whenever possible and appropriate support and encourage as much contact between the child and their natural family as possible. Reassure the child that you are there to care for them, but have no intention of taking the place of their natural family. Remind the child that foster placement provides a time during which families can resolve problems and work towards building a stronger family.
3. Expect to meet with anger, frustration, resentment and fear. Remember that these are normal reactions to a very abnormal situation, and are not directed at you personally. Do not be offended by or try to repress these feelings. Help the foster child express these feelings appropriately and be very supportive of the child. Provide as much verbal reassurance as possible; you can't overdo it. Be very cautious about physical reassurance such as hugging or touching until you are much more familiar with your foster child. Depending on the child's background, such physical displays might be very uncomfortable, frightening and unwanted. Respect the child's feelings, and their right to feel that way, while being firm in helping them to express them through positive channels. Do not allow the foster child to damage property or become physically or emotionally abusive to members of your family.
4. New foster parents often expect that they will automatically be treated with respect and that the foster child will respond immediately to their kindness, blending in easily with the new foster family. The reality is that the foster child will often blame the foster parent for their circumstances, and will try to take their anger and frustration out on the foster parent. There is often a period of "testing" as well, during which the foster child will exhibit their worst behavior in order to gauge the reactions of their new foster parents. Place more emphasis on giving respect than on demanding respect. Remember, you are the adult and must remain calm and in charge of your emotions and the situation while the foster child vents their feelings. Again, do not allow the child to be abusive or destructive, but be firm and gentle in responding to their actions. Most importantly, do not take their actions personally. Assure the child that you are there to care for them regardless of their behavior and be consistent in setting expectations of appropriate behavior for the foster child. Your best defenses in meeting the child's offense are patience, understanding and firmness.
5. Television and movies are fond of portraying meetings between foster children and their prospective foster parents as full of warmth, love, and immediate trust and acceptance. Would you feel this way towards the people that had just abruptly torn you away from your family? New foster parents most often have optimism as their common characteristic, and that optimism is essential in making the foster family successful. Don't let your optimism crumble if your first advances are met by a sullen and angry or frightened child. You will have to feel your way carefully with the foster child, but a good rule of thumb is to be extravagant with verbal support and terms of affection and endearment while letting the foster child decide when and if physical contact should be initiated. Don't expect the child to rush up with expressions of gratitude at having been "saved"; they might not see the situation as an improvement for them. Give them time to get to know you, and time to understand what is happening to them.
Trust is the most important factor in building the foster parent-child relationship, and trust is not developed immediately. It will build, however, if you maintain your optimism, be firm and consistent, and respect your foster child's feelings. If you can avoid taking the child's responses too personally, maintain a sense of humor and affection towards your foster child, and allow them to develop the relationship at their own pace, the resulting relationship can be awe inspiring.
Remember that you, too, will need support as a foster parent. Maintain contact constantly with the child's social worker or case manager as they will be your primary source for support. Other sources of support include:
National Foster Parent Association, Inc.
P.O. BOX 81
Alpha, Ohio, 45301-0081
Action Alliance for Children
1201 Martin Luther King Jr. Way
Oakland, CA 94612
Child Welfare League of America
Main Office:
440 First Street NW, Third Floor
Washington, DC 20001-2085
Program Office:
50 F Street NW, 6th Floor
Washington, DC 20001-2085
Children's Advocacy Institute Information Clearinghouse on Children
University of San Diego School of Law
5998 Alcala Park, San Diego, CA 92110
Telephone: 619-260-4806
Fax: 619-260-4753
Children's Defense Fund
25 E Street NW
Washington, DC 20001
202-628-8787
Connect For Kids
The Benton Foundation
950 18th Street, N.W.
Washington DC 20006
ph:202-638-5770
fax:202-638-5771
