How To Grieve A Miscarriage

If you have had a miscarriage, you may be experiencing a range of conflicting emotions. On one hand, you may feel guilty as though you didn't do enough to protect the pregnancy. On the other hand, you may feel angry that despite your hopes and efforts, you lost the baby that you were longing to hold. Even if it was an unwanted pregnancy, the woman may feel regret or sadness over the miscarriage.

Following your body's expulsion of the embryo or fetus, your doctor may want to perform a dilation and curettage ("D and C") to remove the placenta or any residual tissue and promote the healing process. A D and C means that you will be in the hospital for a few hours or possibly a day or so if there are no complications. Completing your own treatment and parting with your child may compete for your attention and cause anxiety. Fortunately, many gynecological nurses and doctors are compassionate and have come to understand a mother's need to grieve the loss of her child.

Babies that are more than 16 weeks along in the pregnancy may be wrapped in a receiving blanket and given to the mother and the baby's father to hold. The nurse may offer to sprinkle the baby with saline as a baptismal gesture. Some parents name their child and arrange a private funeral with a cemetery burial. Others consign the infant to hospital cremation with no formal ceremony. Sometimes the fetus will be given an autopsy to determine its cause of death, but often no particular cause can be found, since miscarriage is often a natural event.

After your release from the hospital (unless you miscarried at home and the doctor chose not to perform a D and C), you will need rest for a physical recovery. Your body has been through the trauma of an interrupted pregnancy and you may have lost some blood. Take good care of yourself in the weeks that follow as part of the healing process.

In the midst of these physical sensations you will face emotional pain resulting from grief. Sometimes the grieving phase takes several months or even a year. Allow yourself to remember and mourn the pregnancy you have lost.

Don't try to hold back your feelings. Weep freely as you feel deeply. You may have an ultrasound image of your baby to look at and save. Write in your journal about the experience.

Accept comfort from friends and family. Even when they say the wrong things like "Maybe it was for the best," they mean well. Let them do things for you and thank them for cards, gifts, and condolences.

Gradually embrace life again. Smile at the small things, like a bird's song or the gentle fall of rain or snow. Look for others in need and offer a helping hand. Plan for the future with a possibility of more children or simply enjoying other people and things in your life. Before you know it, life will seem normal again, although it will never be quite the same.

Miscarriage is an unavoidable risk of the life-giving process. It is comforting to know that most pregnancies are successful, even though it is painful when yours is not. Take comfort in valuing life all around you and in hoping for a brighter future.