Learn tips for helping your child's healthy emotional development through rules, structure and love.
Parents these days face many dilemmas as they attempt to raise their children to be emotionally healthy and self-confident. Theories abound and are usually contradictory: spanking is either okay or it is child abuse; saying "no" either sets limits or squelches the child's self-expression. It is true that the world has changed a lot since we parents were kids, but has anything stayed the same? And do the old rules still apply?
Children do need limits, and they need to know that some modes of behavior are simply unacceptable. Pulling in the reins on your child's self-expression is okay if what she wants to say is hurtful (or what our grandmothers used to call "sassy"). Some parents avoid saying the word "no" unless the child is in physical danger, the theory being that over-using the word will diminish its ability to get the child's attention. But avoiding the word "no" is a parenting decision that can produce a monster if not practiced correctly - so if it isn't working for your child, find another way to discourage her negative behavior.
When disciplining your child, the specific words you use do have an effect - perhaps more than you realize. Most parenting guides will tell you that you should be careful not to imply that your child is a "bad kid" - rather, that he is a good kid who happens to be behaving badly. It may help to discipline in the form of rules that the whole family has to follow: "We don't dump cereal on the floor", for example.
Besides consistent discipline, a regular, set bedtime is another important component of a child's healthy emotional development. Even mature adults know that we feel cranky and have difficulty controlling our emotions when we are tired or sleep-deprived - so imagine how much harder it is for a child to behave well when tired!
Bedtime, like discipline, is more effective if it is referred to as a "rule". Very young children won't realize for a few years that the parents are the ones who set the rules (and thus, the ones who could change them), so toddlers may get very upset at bedtime but usually won't argue.
Children also need a lot of praise and positive feedback as part of their healthy emotional development, but the praise should mean something - so don't go overboard with praise over the smallest mark your child makes on a piece of paper with her crayon.
Kids also need to learn how to take constructive criticism without damage to their ego - a difficult part of parenting, but one which prepares them for school, work and other situations when they have to work with other people. So be sure to say what they did right before you tell them what they did wrong, or what needs improvement.
Raising self-confident, emotionally-stable children is a challenge, but it is well worth the effort. Give your child structure in his daily routine, but enough free time to make up his own games; let him know what he's doing wrong, but also what he does right. And most importantly, always make sure your child knows that your discipline and rules come from your love for him. As one wise grandmother once said as she corrected her granddaughter, "I love you anyway, but I want other people to love you, too!"
