When you hear of a death what is the first thing one should do? If it's a close friend or family member you should call a sibling or call the house. Robin Thompson, owner of Etiquette Network and the Robin...
Robin Thompson, owner of Etiquette Network and the Robin Thompson Charm School, says, "If it's a close friend or family member, you should call a sibling or call the house. It depends on how close you are. If this were an uncle or aunt, then you would call their children and ask, 'What can I do?' You might offer to call other more distant relatives. Everyone grieves differently. Some people want everybody there right away, immediately after a death, and others would rather have some time alone. So, you need to call and ask if they'd like you to come over. If they don't, don't take offense. When you really need to be there is in the weeks after. That's when the loneliness sets in, and the yard needs to be mowed, and the roof needs to be repaired, and they need help running errands if they have young children.
"As for flowers, read the obituary to see if they'd prefer to have donations made to a charity in lieu of flowers. If you are sending flowers, find out where the visitation will be held--it may be at a church rather than the funeral home--and send the flowers there. Flowers are nice, but I've always thought the money could be spent better on charity.
"My cousin died last February," Thompson says. "He was my age, and it was a very, very tragic situation. He was an attorney and worked in Chicago. There were probably a hundred very large floral displays at his funeral. Afterwards I asked what would happen to them. They told me that they would be reused if possible, but that they were too large for most hospitals and nursing homes to use. I thought about all the money that people spend on flowers, which are beautiful and comforting, but I'd rather see it go to a good cause. However, if you want to send a plant, something that a person could keep, like peace lilies or any potted plant they can take home, that can be a very thoughtful gesture.
"As for food," Thompson says, "there is usually a lot of food sent to the home, and that's something you can do right away. Find out if they have enough food, and if they do, you can help with things like coffee, paper plates, cups, and napkins. It's really nice to take something over to the house after the funeral, but you also have to keep in mind that their refrigerator may be loaded with food. So, you may want to take something that doesn't have to be refrigerated or something that can be frozen and eaten later.
"As for children attending funerals," Thompson says, "I think it's important for children to go to the funeral, but of course it's always up to the individual family. I know when my grandfather died, my brother took my niece, and she was about five years old and was very good. She went to the visitation and the funeral and went up to the casket and told him good bye. Especially if a child is old enough to remember, I think it's important for them to go if they understand and are prepared for it. Of course, if children get disruptive, you want to take them back out of the way a bit, so as not to disrupt the service. Death is a part of life and I think children need to be exposed to it to some degree, but that's really up to the parents and the family."
