Alien abductions account for .0000001% of all household accidents, slightly higher than jello-related injuries, but few homeowners even report these abductions to their insurance companies. Apparently there is some sort of stigma attached to reporting a mysterious flying object pulling you out of your fishing boat and conducting medical experiments on your helpless body only to be returned in a sweaty heap three unexplained hours later. Others may find the paperwork overwhelming.
So how can you tell if you're a prime candidate for an exhausting and humiliating alien abduction? Here are some warning signs to consider:
1. Do you fish? Discriminating alien abductors tend to favor fishermen, followed closely by self-employed world visionaries. If you fish near power lines or a nuclear plant, consider painting a target on your back and just resign yourself to whatever happens. Recalling at least one tornado sighting on television does not work in your favor, either.
If you want to live an abduction-free life, consider one of the following vocations: Professional model, scientist, professor, national news anchorman, working photojournalist or politician.
2. Do you own the last manual typewriter for at least 300 miles? If you tend to write your revolutionary manifestos on a manual typewriter, you've most likely increased your abduction possibilities tenfold. If you also have replacement parts stockpiled somewhere in your foil-covered cabin, pack a suitcase. If you want to reduce your chances of alien abduction but still want to inflict your most painful views on everything, start blogging like the rest of us.
3. Do you have the following numbers on your speed dial- local newspaper editor, talk radio station, NORAD, NASA or Weekly World News? Just adding the numbers of your favorite overworked and underpaid public relation officer can help get you noticed by most alien spacecraft. Calling those numbers twice a week without fail will definitely buy you a golden ticket to Spaceville.
4. Have you ever constructed anything out of mashed potatoes? Most of us have done the Devil's Tower thing by now, but if you've done anything original with mashed potatoes in the past five years, you may be eligible for a three day, four night stay at Club Alien.
5. Are you a famous musician who rose to fame in the 50s, made a series of forgettable films in the 60s and had a Vegas comeback in the 70s, only to die mysteriously in your bathroom? If so, this article may have been posted a little too late. You might still have a chance if your plane disappeared over the Aleutian islands, you died in a bathtub in Paris or your name happens to rhyme with Timmy Coffa.
One comforting fact about alien abductions is that most victims do eventually return to Earth to tell the tale. One discomforting fact about alien abductions is that most victims do eventually return to Earth to tell the tale. From most reports of the experience, aliens would do well to simply abduct proctologists and eliminate the middle man altogether.
