Is adultery destroying your marriage?

If you suspect your spouse is being unfaithful, what should you do? Is a confrontation necessary? Will counseling help? Can the marriage be saved? Before doing anything, consider the following steps:

1. Be sure that your spouse is actually unfaithful rather than depend on an uneasy feeling or scant evidence. This may mean checking Internet use for email contact with others or chat room visits while pretending to be single. Or your spouse may return home late without explanation or receive calls from unknown persons that are kept secretive. Don't ignore hints or warnings from a mate's co-workers, friends, or associates, but check facts to be sure of their validity. If uncertainties remain, you may need to ask your mate outright. Plan your encounter out of the children’s hearing and preferably in a private place where others cannot overhear. Remain calm and listen carefully to your mate’s response.

2. Once adultery is confirmed, temper your negative emotions with a constructive approach to addressing the issue. While it is natural to feel hurt and betrayed, mere yelling, criticizing, or crying will not help the situation. When both of you are calm, ask your spouse why this happened and what can be done to save the marriage. It may take a few days for things to calm down enough for both of you to discuss the situation.

3. Suggest counseling and ask your mate to come with you. Find a licensed marriage counselor who has experience treating couples who have struggled with marital infidelity. If your spouse won't come with you, go alone. Be prepared to share intimate details of your marriage history and problems. Do the reading and homework assignments that will likely be given.

4. Accept your share of responsibility. Sometimes adultery happens for no apparent reason except opportunity. But at other times it can result from a complex mixture of causes, some of which may stem from the other spouse. These may include emotional abandonment, dwindling or limited physical intimacy, unresolved conflicts, alienation due to differing interests or schedules, and a host of other possibilities. Ask your spouse what you have contributed to the problem and listen carefully. Own up to your share of guilt and be willing to make changes to improve the relationship.

5. Realize that rebuilding trust to save your marriage will take time. The unfaithful spouse should be willing to show accountability for whereabouts at any time of the day or night when separated by business or travel, and the offended spouse will have to be willing to set aside the hurt caused by the mate's unfaithfulness and not keep bringing it up in future arguments. Forgiveness can be difficult, but it is important if the marriage is to survive.

Both partners need to realize that neither is perfect. Depending on how long they've been married, the depth of their commitment, and any children they may have, they may agree that their marriage is worth fighting for. If the adultery continues, the offending partner remains unrepentant, or the offended spouse is unable to forgive, the marriage may not be salvageable. In that case a clean break may be the most pragmatic outcome. If both partners give it a try, however, they are unlikely to have regrets later.