Grief and death: how to explain the loss of a loved one to your child

DON’T TRY TO CHANGE THE SUBJECT

When your child is confronted with the death of a loved one, your first impulse might be to divert their attention to something pleasing so that they don’t have to suffer the pain they are feeling. Unfortunately, there are no bandages for heartache, and even a young child needs to embrace their feelings rather than try to ignore them. You can’t give your kid a cookie and a new toy in order to make him or her smile when they are mourning the loss of someone special. It is natural to want to shelter your child from the harsh and tragic realities of life and death, but it is important that you let your child know that is okay and perfectly right to be sad and emotional. Let your child let go. It will hurt you to see your child crying and grieving, but the role that you should play is the supportive parent, not the distraction. It is healthy to let your feelings out; it is unhealthy to stifle and bottle up your emotions. That is a lesson that you should teach your child when he or she is faced with the death of a loved one. Do not start a pattern of hiding emotions for your child because that is a very hard habit to break. You do not want to raise your child to be an emotionally repressed adult. Be there to hold your child and give them a shoulder to cry on – what they need is to let it out, not hold it in.

EXPLAIN THE STAGES OF GRIEF

The severity of your child’s grief will depend on the personality of your child and on the degree of closeness that your child had with the person who passed away. There are stages of grief that your child is likely to experience, and keep in mind that the order in which they experience the stages can vary, or they could experience several stages all at once – grief is a very individual process. You should talk to your child about the stages of grief so that they know that the feelings they are having are normal responses to death. Denial is often the first stage – they can’t believe that this person has past, and they aren’t yet emotionally ready to accept and acknowledge the loss. The next stage typically involves feelings of anger and resentment – your child is mad that this person has been taken out of his or her life, maybe mad at that person for leaving, or mad at God for taking the person away. The next stage is commonly a stage of bargaining – your child pleads with God to make things right, for this person to live. Next usually comes depression – feelings of sadness over the tragic loss; your child misses the person. Finally, the acceptance stage will come. Once your child accepts the fact that this person has passed away, they will continue to feel the pain of their loss, and they should be prepared to have moments of sadness and mourning as they begin to adjust to life after the death of a loved one.

SHARE MEMORIES

It can help your child to reflect on fond memories that they shared with the person who passed. You should tell your child that sharing memories is a way of celebrating the person’s life. You should also share your own memories. Tell stories about times you shared with your loved one – try to think of memories that your child has never heard about if you can, such as memories that you shared even before your child was born. It helps to keep the person’s memory alive. The last thing you would want to do is to make your child think that it is wrong to talk about the good times he or she has cherished with your deceased loved one.