In marriage where we share a home and tend to let our true selves be seen, it's easy to lose control during a conversation with a spouse. Emotions well up and spill over, severing a communication link and perhaps damaging the marriage.
Since it is vital that we maintain open communication in a life-long relationship, here are five key ways of preserving good dialog skills with your husband or wife:
1. Be a good listener. Let your spouse talk about the things that are most important. Venting, verbal analysis, and exploring ideas are some of the reasons a spouse may want to discuss a topic at length. Be prepared to listen as long as it takes, unless your spouse resorts to rambling or repetition. Gently guide the conversation back to a meaningful route. If the problem is detailed or cumbersome, suggest discussing part of it now and the rest later so that neither of you feel overwhelmed. Breaking it up will provide both of you time to reflect on the issues and perhaps think about possible solutions.
2. Keep focused. When it's your turn to share, stay on task with the key point. Don't try to cover too much territory at once or go off on a tangent. You may even want to set a time of say, 15 minutes, to explore the issue through discussion. If resolution cannot be achieved at the end of that time, set another meeting to discuss it later, when you've both had time to ponder it more fully. Don't allow yourself to jump from one topic to another or you'll wear out your partner's listening skills and patience.
3. Stay calm. While it's fine to share emotion briefly, try not to get overcome by strong feelings of despair or anger unless you are facing a true catastrophe. Express your prevailing emotion, then remind yourself to get back on track in pursuing the topic at hand.
4. Set a goal. Since both spouses tend to often stay busy, you may want to have a goal in mind for your focused discussions. Random conversation need not have set objectives, but verbalizing a problem to your mate may entail your desired response of having him or her do one of the following:
a. Listen only as you vent to clear emotions.
b. Listen and offer feedback as you describe a problem.
c. Listen, ask questions, make comments, and suggest solutions in working through an issue.
If you know in advance which role you would like your spouse to take, say so. If not, it may become apparent as the conversation continues.
5. Use communication as a way to express affection. Praise, encouragement, affirmation, compliments, and gratitude are some of the ways that you can show love to your spouse. It may be through spoken or written words; the important thing is to share all your warm feelings rather than keep them bottled up inside, unspoken. Nicknames, humorous role-plays or expressions, and endearing terms during intimacy are more ways you can use language to build and strengthen your marriage.
Never take communication for granted. Rather, view it as an important tool for tending the unity and value of your relationship. Start choosing and using the words that will stroke your mate's ego today.
