When married couples run into long-term or excessive difficulty, they may agree to see a marriage counselor together or separately. Sometimes if both spouses won't go, one makes the decision to get counseling alone.
In either scenario, what should a married person tell the counselor? Are you obligated to share every last detail of your marriage or should you mention only the problems that need work? If the issues are sensitive, should you reveal all or hold back?
Each case is different, of course, and each person must decide individually that he or she feels can and should be shared with a therapist. But here are some of the typical considerations you may want to keep in mind at your sessions:
1. If your spouse is present, will a particular revelation cause embarrassment, guilt, or resentment? Some things are better not to bring up unless they are pivotal issues in your relationship.
2. When a spouse is not present, keep in mind that anything you discuss with a counselor may be tape recorded or noted as part of your file. If you end up going to court for a legal separation or divorce from your spouse, a counselor's records can be subpoenaed if the court so orders them as part of a general review of all pertinent material. Ask your counselor about his or her policy on privileged information.
3. Since court cases can be open to public access under certain conditions, be aware that your children or family members may be able to review the records at some future point if the conflict should go to court.
4. Focus on the main problems. While your marriage may be struggling with a number of issues, target the worst for initial attack with a counselor's help. Provide factual details such as dates, times, and locations where major events occurred to give the therapist an accurate perspective of the situation.
5. Be honest. Don't exaggerate a spouse's failings while elevating your virtue. Offer a fair opinion of your mate's strengths and weaknesses as well as your own. Be prepared to make "I" statements instead of relying solely on criticisms:
"I feel angry when he..."
"I get sad when she..."
6. Invite feedback and suggestions. Many counselors report that a high percentage of their clients, perhaps 80%, come just to vent their negative feelings. Then they leave without seriously considering the therapist's advice or being willing to take proactive steps to end the marital standoff. Be willing to do the work that is needed to preserve or restore your marriage, even if that means apologizing or making an affectionate gesture.
7. Don't feel compelled to share every gritty detail of your personal life. Instead, rely on somewhat bland statements to give the therapist a general idea of things:
"We haven't had much physical intimacy in the past three or four months."
"His personal hygiene could be handled more effectively."
"Her housekeeping habits leave something to be desired."
Remember that your goal in seeing a therapist is to convey an accurate impression of the state of your marriage. Only then can you hope to receive appropriate feedback that is tailored to your relationship and may be able to help. Otherwise, you're wasting your time and the counselor's.
