RELATIONSHIP ADVICE: HOW TO DEAL WITH AN ANGRY EX-HUSBAND
SET BOUNDARIES
Anger is an emotion that is often tied to loss. When a loved one dies, anger is one of the steps in the grieving process, so it is no wonder that anger also comes into play after a divorce. It isn’t the death of a person, but it is the death of a marriage, and that is a powerful and profound loss. Men are often guilty of bottling their emotions up, and then letting them explode out of them in fits of rage and aggression. If your ex-husband is expressing lots of anger towards you, it is critical that you set some boundaries for your relationship as ex-husband and ex-wife. Tell him bluntly that you refuse to stand idly by while he uses you as an emotional punching bag. You have to establish some ground rules, such as limiting your phone calls to once a week and 30 minutes in length, or agreeing to visit with each other only on a monthly basis. If you are re-married or you are in a new relationship, he has to agree to respect your privacy and your right to move on with your life.
TALK TO A THERAPIST
If you feel very uncomfortable being alone with your ex-husband because of his volatile anger, then you should consider seeing a therapist together. The two of you may have gone to a marriage counselor before you decided to get a divorce, and it may not have worked out, but that doesn’t mean that a therapist cannot help you now. The two of you are in a new type of relationship with each other now, as two people who were once joined by the bond of marriage, possibly as two people who brought children into the world together. A therapist should be able to offer an objective viewpoint on how to reduce the anger that is raging between the two of you. Also, you will not have to be stuck in an angry situation for any longer than the length of your counseling session. Tell your ex-husband that until your relationship reaches a level of healthiness that you feel comfortable with, you will limit your interaction to your counseling sessions and any must-have conversations, such as about your children.
FIND THE ROOT OF THE ANGER
Why is your ex-husband harboring so much anger and resentment towards you? It could be the displaced anger he actually is feeling towards himself, and he is just used to projecting that onto you. It may be that he is angry because he didn’t want to end the marriage, but you did. If that is the case, he is dealing with his anger over feeling rejected and unloved. He feels like you gave up on him, and he wants to give up on himself, but instead he protects his emotions by wearing an armor of aggression. It could be that he is scared of living alone and being single again, and his fear is morphed into anger towards you. Once you determine where his anger is rooted, you will have a better chance of being able to talk to him about it and trying to relate to him so that he can put the anger behind him.
FINALIZE YOUR FEELINGS
Your ex-husband might be angry because he feels that the two of you did not have any closure. If that is the case, then you should sit down together to finalize your feelings. Thank each other for what the other has added to your life, for the good memories, for your children (if you have them). Make it clear, however, that you no longer have romantic feelings for him, and that you are ready and eager to move forward with your life. Give him the opportunity to vent one last time, but let him know that this is his chance for closure, so he better get it out of his system. Do not leave the conversation open-ended. This should be your last good-bye, and the next time you get together will be the first step towards your new unmarried parenting partnership or platonic friendship.
DON’T ADD FUEL TO THE FIRE
If you have an angry ex-husband, the last thing you want to do is add fuel to his fire. If you are dating, don’t flaunt it. Don’t pick fights or make snide comments to him based on past fights that the two of you have had when you were married. Just be polite and cordial, and do your best to keep your interactions very brief, if necessary at all, until the two of you have cooled off for a sufficient period of time.
