When to divorce and when to reconcile: arguing and fighting

Arguments come and go. A marriage is built to last forever, but at what point does someone decide that "forever" is over when you're fighting? How do you know if you should stay and work it out?

This is not an easy question to answer. There is no great expert on marriage (except self proclaimed experts such as psychiatrists/psychologists and counselors). Nor is there a section in an encyclopedia or a chapter in any random book that can tell us whether a marriage is over or it can be saved. Each relationship is different.

Each person has a contrasting definition of marriage and fighting, believe it or not. However, from my research I have learned that experts and married people alike, agree on a few things.

You know you need to divorce your spouse when a fight begins and...

1.) The police were called. It's 2 in the morning and you're filling out a police report in your pajamas. And if that isn't enough, you're even asking the cops how to get a restraining order against your spouse...or...

2.) You look in the mirror one morning and you're image resembles one of a raccoon, not a human being. You're spouse punched you, tossed you around a room, beat or raped you. You get the point.

3.) You begin to struggle with your emotional stability. You are being verbally abused to the point of no return. You begin to hate the person you are with.

The above reasons are definite guidelines to know whether you should be filing divorce papers.

Another thing to keep in mind when contemplating divorce is that most experts agree that fighting (within reason) is a healthy sign of a relationship.

How is fighting a healthy sign?

A.) Strong personalities fight.

People with passion and conviction, fight for their beliefs. It is a sign of a healthy mind to stand up for what you believe in. It is unhealthier to let a person dictate what you should believe in and care about. Sometimes it is more of an unhealthy relationship when there are no disagreements, because it may mean that one of the two people in the relationship is not defining who they are, individually.

B.) A fighting couple values their marriage.

People who battle each other (to a point), care enough about their relationship to stick around and work at the rough edges in their relationship. Couples who fight are more likely to be honest and would rather live happily together than just “exist” in a marriage built on deceit. Just think, If all the energy that was used to fight each other could be used to pull each other together, we might have a winning team in the works.

C.) Fighting is usually the result of a failed marriage, not the cause.

To put it simply, fighting usually stems from a broken relationship, not the other way around. Even though fighting can further injury and already wounded marriage, it usually isn't the most significant part of the problem.

Reconciling when you're relationship is bogged down by arguments and fighting is more complicated to decide. The choice is made from each individual threshold.

If saving the marriage can be done, it is encouraged, especially if despite the fighting (quarrelling within reason of course), you still have a sincere desire to keep your family together. Counseling is an option. If you can identify the cause of the fighting, maybe the marriage can be mended and reborn. Remember, it takes both variables in the equation to make it work. If both people are willing, there is no challenge that can't be met and conquered.