When to divorce and when to reconcile: children and the family unit

As the acquisition of independence and personal achievement are continuously the basis for our modern morale, it is no wonder why so many nuclear families find themselves on the verge of an impending explosion ultimately resulting in divorce.

With divorce more widespread today than in decades past, we must ask ourselves what has brought about this change. Family values used to be valued, but increased responsibilities accompanied by a high cost of living currently place more emphasis outside of the home than within. With all emotions aside, pure physics will justify that if you place an overwhelming amount of pressure on the walls of a home it will collapse.

A marriage, family, and home are all built from the ground up. The positive energy and communication that a couple generates from their foundation follows them through their marriage, the home and family that they create, and all of the extended relationships that they incorporate into their lives. If you and your partner have found yourselves in a difficult situation where divorce seems to be the only way out, take a step back and reflect upon your foundation as an individual. Self-reflection is key to assessing your dilemma. As insignificant a role as your childhood may seem to play in the marriage you’ve created today, it is the ultimate driving force that has shaped you into the person that you have become.

Attempt to recall those who had a resounding impact on your development. Did their contributions affect you positively or negatively? How did they play a part in shaping who you have become? Have you accepted all of the negative aspects of your life? Also, have you forgiven those who are responsible for any negative occurrences in your life? Forgiveness plays a large role in healing, in granting us the ability to move on and to build upon ourselves as people so that we may form healthy relationships.

How has the image that you had of yourself and of who you wanted to become changed throughout your childhood, your adolescence, and young adulthood? Has your self esteem improved or lessened? Were the objectives you set for yourself impossible to achieve? Setting yourself up for failure could ultimately lead to depression which could

have a huge impact on your marriage. On the contrary, not offering yourself enough challenges inhibits your ability to grow and to develop pride and a positive sense of accomplishment and self esteem. What did you experience in your upbringing that you’d like to preserve within the family that you and your partner have created?

With childhood aside, bring yourself back to the beginning of your relationship with your spouse. Recall the characteristics that encouraged you to marry one another. It may help to make a list. Have these fundamentals changed throughout the years? If so, what was the cause for the change? If you are unable to pinpoint a cause, then poor communication is your answer.

Throughout our lives, we grow both as individuals and within our relationships. Without proper communication, a gap develops and enlarges between our relationship with ourselves and our relationship with our partner. Poor communication evolves committed, loving people into strangers. Poor communication is what causes us to wake up years after taking our vows and to not recognize the person lying on the pillow next to you. If you’ve determined that poor communication is your reason for contemplating divorce, therapy would be an alternative first step.

An important aspect of therapy to keep in mind is that a therapist will not “fix” you or your marriage. A therapist is there to guide you. Many times we become blind to our own lives and to one another; the therapist helps you to see into your own hearts so that you may find the answers that are right for your family. A therapist can offer helpful suggestions towards maximizing family time and time for one another.

Do not feel discouraged or ashamed if after a year of therapy you haven’t noticed much improvement. Therapy is a lot of work and it takes a high level of commitment from each participant. Problems develop over time in a marriage, do not expect them to be ironed out overnight. Do not be embarrassed of switching therapists if you and your partner are not comfortable. Therapists expect and encourage clients to find someone that their family is the most comfortable with. Your relationship with your therapist is a very personal one. You didn’t marry the first person you dated so don’t automatically expect to feel a sense of trust or comfort with the first therapist you employ.

If you feel as though therapy has no hope in saving your marriage, it certainly can do wonders for your children by improving your communication between one another. A healthy communication between parents is essential for the rearing of healthy children whether you are married or divorced.

Many execute marriages prematurely before resolving hidden conflicts. The pain and discontentment that results from these unresolved issues ultimately spills over into their relationships with their children. Adults are often so fogged by their own negative emotions that they don't realize that they are actually creating the emotional disturbances within their children. Children are very perceptive to negativity and emotional distress even if it is not expressed verbally or physically. The most important thing to remember when raising children is consistency. No matter how disappointed or hurt you may feel about your relationship with your partner, the transition from a whole family unit to a broken one can be gradual and effective.

If children see that their parents are dealing with the divorce maturely and positively and offer an open line of communication between all members of the family to express their emotions, then the transition will almost always be the hardest on the adults, and the children will adjust quite beautifully.

If you and your partner have done all that you could do to preserve your marriage and have found yourselves in the midst of a divorce, accept that you have done all that you could do. Understand that because you love yourself, your partner, and your children, this is the best decision for everyone’s well-being. Continuing a marriage simply for the sake of the children can actually hurt your children more than it helps them. An unhappy and dysfunctional household leads to the deterioration of essential aspects of a family unit. It has the potential for leading children towards an endless list of problems such as depression, obesity, anxiety, academic failure, eating disorders, as well as problems with drugs and alcohol.

Whether married or divorced, you still have the ability to maintain a healthy family structure. Your children love you and they deserve to have happy parents with healthy mentalities. Remember, happy and healthy parents yield happy and healthy children!