With the American divorce rate hovering at about 50%, many couples get married with the idea that they can quickly get a divorce if things don't work out. Problems that couples encounter may range from a burned dinner to a long string of infidelities. Some spouses will put up with anything, including a threat to their lives, while others bail out of the relationship at the first bump in the road.
If your marriage is becoming more stressful and you're beginning to wonder if the two of you will make it together, a marriage separation might be the temporary answer. From separate bedrooms to separate residences, living apart can provide couples with time and space enough to begin dealing with serious relational problems.
But you don't want to jump the gun, especially if children are involved. So what kind of issues might benefit from a marital separation?
1. Adultery. Some couples split after one of them has the first affair. Others stick together even when the affairs continue. While the decision to stay or leave is up to the individual, you may want to consider a separation if your spouse refuses to stop committing adultery. Staying together may lead to your getting a sexually transmitted disease or to your spouse's growing disrespect. The children may even find out and grow confused or misled as a result. A separation allows both spouses to think things through and approach the problem productively rather than reactively.
2. Substance abuse. A spouse who uses illegal drugs or misuses prescription drugs or toxic substances may put the family in danger. For example, a drug habit can be costly, and if addicted, the spouse may steal or commit other crimes to support the habit. Borrowing money from questionable loaners may lead them to collect by harming or threatening the family. A person who uses drugs can become violent or non-responsive, putting other family members in jeopardy. Substance abuse is connected to 80% of domestic violence crimes. You may want to separate yourself and the kids from an addicted or illegal user until he or she gets professional help.
3. Mental instability. If your husband or wife shows signs of a mental or emotional imbalance, it may become necessary to live apart for a time while he or she gets professional help. A mentally dysfunctional person may not mean to hurt someone, but problems can erupt all the same. Getting the right medication and professional help is essential for the person as well as the family.
4. Financial recklessness. Gamblers or spenders who place their family in grave financial risk and refuse to listen to reason may need to live on their own for awhile. The family need not face bankruptcy or poverty when a spouse refuses to work, will not share income, or misspends the family's income on personal or needless items. Professional counseling may be necessary to help this person come to terms with this destructive habit.
5. Physical, emotional, or psychological abuse. Chronic name-calling, criticism, profanity, isolation, hitting, slapping, pushing, punching, kicking, and other hurtful behaviors should not be tolerated, no matter how regretful the abuser is after each incident. Taking a time out allows the abuser to get professional assistance and to learn to accept responsibility for the destructive behavior as well as seek ways of changing. Spouses who remain with abusers enable the problem to continue.
Many spouses divorce for reasons like these. But in some cases, a separation may offer hope for reconciliation if both spouses are willing to put the work and patience into redeeming their relationship. Professional guidance may be necessary to facilitate this process.
