Except for terminally ill cases, no one plans to lose a spouse. Death can happen suddenly, as with a momentary heart attack. But even when a person lingers for months or even years, the final parting still can be traumatic. For most people, losing a marriage partner after sharing your lives for decades, despite occasional arguments or trials, can severely strain the surviving spouse's emotions.
If you have recently lost a spouse or want to comfort someone who has, here are a few tips that may make the situation more bearable.
1. Mourning is normal. Many victims pass through the classic four stages of grief:
-shock, as you struggle to accept the loss
-anger, in asking questions like "why me?"
-sorrow, when you accept the inevitable pain
-acceptance, as you come to terms with grief
Some folks take longer to adjust to their loss. A certain number bypass a stage or two, but most experience a little bit of each. No two people grieve alike, so don't compare your experience with someone else's and be alarmed or disappointed if they are different.
2. Realize that you will feel many things during the weeks and months that follow a loss. Just as you begin to heal, the wound may break open afresh when you come across the loved one's belongings or receive mail from someone who doesn't know of the passing. One day you'll feel depressed, wondering if you can go on--or even want to. The next day you may feel "up" as you realize that life goes on. Many survivors report fluctuations like these as common during the first year or so.
3. Seek a support system. Family members, friends, or even a support group can help you through the darkest days. Don't hesitate to call, write, or email someone who can offer a comforting word or helpful advice. While you may not want to attend a lot of parties right away, little by little you may begin to resume recreational functions that will help you enjoy life and lay grief to rest.
4. Journal about your feelings. Writing about negative emotions can be a powerful antidote. Describe what you feel, how often it occurs, and possible triggers. Also describe favorite memories of your spouse and what you miss most that day. The journal can be therapeutic in helping you confront and deal with strong emotions following your loss.
5. See a counselor. If you feel deep or lingering depression, or find yourself unable to deal with everyday tasks, make an appointment with a grief therapist to work on the issues. Sometimes you can tell a professional, objective counselor things that you would rather not discuss with family or friends, and the counselor may have suggestions for healing that you have not tried yet.
6. Get fit. Get a physical from your doctor and adopt a healthy diet and perhaps a vitamin supplement to protect your health. A vitamin or mineral deficiency, or even an underlying physical condition like thyroid problems or diabetes, can cause you to feel tired and run down, adding to your depression. Take care of yourself, especially now that your spouse is no longer there to remind you.
7. Consider spiritual relief. Many people report feelings of comfort, relief, peace, and hope following a spouse's death when they participate in weekly worship services or religious activities, like prayer or meditation.
8. Encourage others. If you put others' needs ahead of your own, you may find yourself able to forget about grief for a few hours at a time. Gradually the periods between your feelings of grief will lengthen as you return to normal.
9. Time it. Allow yourself mourning time, but don't drown in it. Set a timer for 20 minutes in the morning, and again later in the day. During that time reflect on your spouse and all that you have lost in his or her passing. Grieve the death and your loss until the timer goes off, then put it out of your head until the next session. In the days that follow, gradually reduce the amount of time per session from 20 minutes to 18, then 15, then 13, etc., until you are grieving just a few minutes twice a day, then once a day. Typical grief for the loss of a spouse may take between one and two years, or even longer, so don't hurry it.
10. Celebrate joyous memories. Sharing times, goals, fun, humor--preserve happy thoughts in your journal, in a photo album, or in a videotape. Review them periodically as you reflect on all the great years the two of you had together.
Grief is a basic part of life. Rather than avoid it, make plans to understand and embrace loss, knowing that with acceptance will come healing.
