Etiquette for today's teens

It may seem like manners have gone out of style. With the late 20th century advent of feminism, fewer women like having men hold doors for them, and more men appreciate women picking up the tab on a date.

Though mores have changed somewhat, etiquette remains a valuable skill for teenagers who are planning their future. On the job or at college, courtesy is expected as one indicator of a person's maturity. Treating others with kindness and respect is a measure of a teen's preparation for adult-type job duties or personal relationships.

If your teen could use some help developing a sense of etiquette, here are a few tips:

1. Start at home. Train children to be courteous to each other and with parents or other family members. Guidelines may differ. Some families expect each child to offer a greeting when someone enters the room. In formal settings, a teen may be required to stand when an older person enters or leaves the room. But other rules are fairly universal among parents. Most want their kids to answer when spoken to, eat with utensils and not hands, and speak in a normal tone of voice rather than whisper or yell. It may help to post a few ground rules in a high-traffic area of your home for all to see. Then reinforce good behavior with rewards like ice cream outings or a trip to the video game store and discipline inappropriate behavior with groundings from favorite pastimes like music, computers, the television, or the telephone.

2. Monitor your teen's behavior to friends and neighbors. If you happen to overhear your son or daughter talk in a disparaging way to others, point out that such behavior is unacceptable, and urge an apology. Should your teen be involved in an act of local vandalism, like spray painting a mailbox or littering a neighbor's lawn, arrange a clean-up visitation to be coupled with an apology. Kids soon learn to respect others' rights and property when consequences result from misdeeds.

3. Practice social etiquette within the family. Dining manners, helping with seats or coats, and polite conversation can be rehearsed with one another in the privacy of home. Even dance steps or party protocol can be tried out with family members before going public.

4. Recruit extended family to help. Ask your teenage son to write Aunt Martha a thank you note for a Christmas gift, having his aunt respond in kind. Or perhaps Uncle Joe can ask for help with some yard work to condition your teen to respond politely and helpfully. Even Grandma or Grandpa can telephone to help your teen practice good telephone manners.

5. If you are unsure about today's etiquette for social situations, consult one of the many great books or online Web sites on this topic. There are even etiquette classes for teens available in many communities. If your child has a problem attitude or lack of respect, consult with his or her teacher to network for mutual support at home and at school to address the issue.

Finally, remind your teen of the long-term consequences of etiquette or its lack. Good manners draw positive attention and may win special recognition or favors over those lacking such social skills. Poor manners result in the opposite, a negative image that may drive some prospective employers or references away. Teach your teen that today's etiquette may be tomorrow's job promotion or healthy relationship.