Family and parenting: how to deal with a child's anger after a divorce

Divorce can be tough on everyone involved, but children are often the silent sufferers. Typically, parents become so caught up in the intricate details of a divorce that they tend to disregard or ignore some of the hidden worries their children may have. Since much of the negotiations, reasons, and resolutions of divorce are solved behind closed doors, children may not understand or comprehend everything that is happening. All they really know is that mommy and daddy will no longer live together, and many times, they have so many questions that need to be answered.

A child may become angry simply because he or she doesn’t understand what is happening, or even why the divorce is occurring. He may have so many pent-up emotions that he has no idea how to deal with these feelings. Fear of the unknown is a very compelling terror. While you and your soon-to-be ex-spouse may know all of the details, including why you got divorced and what will happen when the divorce is final, your child may not know or understand any of these things.

A child’s anger may result from several factors. She may blame herself for the divorce, mistakenly believing that if she had been a better daughter, her parents would still be together. She may be angry simply because her life is no longer as she once believed it to be. If she will have to leave the house, town, or school she grew up in, she may feel incredible resentment. If one parent is moving away and her time with that parent will be limited, she may be extremely angry at the whole situation.

It stands to reason that if the parents are angry, why shouldn’t the child be, also? Why should her life experience a tremendous upheaval just because the adults in her life can’t seem to get their act together? Why should she have to suffer for their mistakes?

Of course, nobody goes into a marriage planning a divorce. However, with approximately fifty percent of marriages eroding into an inevitable break-up, there will be thousands of children who will suffer, also. What can you do to help your child cope with her anger?

First, you need to keep in mind the ages of your child or children. If your child is old enough to understand that mom and dad are splitting up, then you need to communicate with him daily. This doesn’t mean that you should bare your soul and give him all the sticky details of why the divorce is happening. You should give him the information that will immediately affect him, though.

For example, your child is probably wondering with whom he will be living and where he will live. These are natural questions, right? Everyone wants to know that he or she has a home, and your child is no exception. It is your job as a parent to reassure him repeatedly that no matter what is happening between you and your spouse, your child will be taken care of.

Continue to stress to your child that the situation is not her fault in any way. Try to explain to her as reasonably as possible that no matter how much you and your ex tried to work things out, you both feel that everyone, including your child, will be happier if you live separately. Go on to reassure her that you will both spend as much time as possible with her, if this will be the case.

If your child will primarily live with one parent and see the other parent mostly on weekends and holidays, that parent should make every effort to keep in close contact with the child. Even if you don’t see your child daily, you can still call her. Some parents swap e-mail addresses with their child, so that they can e-mail daily. Try to attend as many of her extracurricular activities and school functions as possible. Do your best to arrive on time for every one of your scheduled visits.

It is important for both parents to try to get along for the sake of the child. When a divorce is fresh, emotions are raw, and it is often difficult for ex-spouses to be near each other. Keep in mind that your child should not suffer just because the two of you can’t get along. Make every effort to be cordial. Refrain from making derogatory comments about each other in the presence of your child. Do not try to keep your child away from the other parent, and do not interfere with scheduled visitation. Try to make as many decisions as possible based on what is based for your child, not what can be used as revenge toward your ex-spouse.

If both you and your spouse can be loving and attentive to your child before, during, and after the divorce, and if you continue to reassure her, anticipating any doubts and questions she may have, you can help your child overcome her anger over the disruption of the family as she once knew it. If your child continues to exhibit signs of anger, however, it may be time to contact a counselor or child psychologist. Your pediatrician should be able to point you in the right direction.