How to gain self confidence in your life

To develop self confidence, you need to identify and defuse the negative messages that are holding you back.

There are all sorts of tips and tricks for how to overcome stage fright for business meetings and public speaking, such as yoga style deep breathing, and the ever-popular 'imagine your audience is naked'. These tips are helpful for projecting self confidence, but wouldn't it be nice to actually have self confidence?

In order to do that, you need to consider the cause of your lack of self confidence.

We all have an inner critic. That's the little voice in the back of our heads, the source of all those discouraging and disheartening thoughts that spontaneously pop into our minds. "I'm just bad at math." "I'll never get this project done by the deadline." "Why would such a great person be interested in someone like me?"

Some therapists and self-help gurus advise us to track down the source of these negative messages. Sometimes if you listen closely, you can hear the original voice of the message; perhaps it was your mother, or your high school coach, or the playground bully. But regardless of the source of these messages, they're there now, virtually hard-wired into your brain.

The inner critic is so persistent and some people have become so used to it that they don't even notice that it's there. They consider these thoughts to be reflections of reality rather than negative programming. So it helps to pay attention.

Set aside some time, an hour or an afternoon, and as you go about your normal routine make a point of noticing the negative thoughts that pop into your head. Keep a small notebook handy and write them down.

At the end of the time period, look back and review what you've recorded. I think you'll be amazed at the amount of criticism you've directed at yourself! Ask yourself this question: would you be this critical of a coworker or family member? Is it productive, or even fair, to be so much harder on yourself than you are on anyone else? Of course it's not. These thoughts are not helping you, they're just hindering and discouraging you.

So what can you do about it? "Don't be so hard on yourself" is easy to say, but surprisingly difficult to do. Even years of therapy are not going to entirely silence and banish the inner critic.

If you can't silence the inner critic, what can you do? The answer is surprisingly simple.

You can stop believing it.

Think about it; just because a message is coming from your subconscious doesn't mean it's true. It's propaganda. It's mental spam!

So the first step is to start noticing the inner critic, pay attention to the mental background chatter. Rather than trying to stifle the messages, which is all but impossible, notice them and then acknowledge where they're coming from.

"I'm not smart enough to do this!" "Oh, that's the inner critic." Just acknowledging that the message is there and where it's coming from is surprisingly powerful in defusing its impact.

Like an external critic, the inner critic will become less persistent once it stops getting to you.

The next step will be to create some competition for the inner critic, by nurturing an inner cheerleader. Think about what it is about yourself that you're proudest of. Now go look in the mirror and tell yourself that.

Many people roll their eyes and skip over this step, but give it a try. You might be surprised at how difficult it is. Some people find it almost impossible to give themselves a compliment, and the very fact that they resist trying it is a good indicator that they really need it.

So go ahead. Look yourself right in the eye and say whatever it is: "I'm proud of the way you didn't give up on your education but put yourself through school with money so tight."

Now start noticing the way you react to your achievements. Many people, once they've accomplished something, tend to downgrade and explain away the accomplishment. "It wasn't so hard." "Anyone could have done it." "I got lucky."

That's the critic again. Put the cheerleader to work. You DID it! Hurrah for you!

These two simple steps, noticing and refusing to believe the inner critic, and developing and supporting the inner cheerleader, will put you well on your way to self-confidence.

It's easy to be confident when you have someone on your side. And the first person who should be on your side is you.