Every time Marcy sees her father-in-law, he teases her about being a vegetarian. Jack's father-in-law keeps trying to tell him how to raise his twin daughters.
There are many reasons why conflict may arise between you and your father-in-law. Not only is this hard on you, since it practically guarantees you will have to spend time with someone you strongly dislike, it can also be difficult for your spouse, who is likely to find her or himself in the role of mediator. In the worst case scenario, tension between you and the in-laws may even put a strain on your marriage.
There is good news, however. It is possible to despise one's father in law and still maintain a strong relationship with one's spouse. The key lies in not taking yourself too seriously and in remembering which relationship really matters to you.
PERSONALITY CONFLICTS
By far the most commonly cited reason for disagreements with one's father-in-law is basic personality conflict. You're a Democrat. Your father-in-law is a Republican. You like cats. He likes dogs. You won't listen to anything but opera. He won't turn off the country music. Your favorite color is yellow. His is green. And so forth.
Getting on each other's last good nerve, however, doesn't have to end in fights, slammed doors, hurt feelings, and upset spouses.
It's important to keep in mind that you're not necessarily trying to build a loving relationship with your father-in-law. That may be impossible. Instead, your goal is to avoid troubling your spouse. That means you are on your best behavior and don't give him a hard time about sensitive topics.
Hopefully your father-in-law will have the same goal and will be on his best behavior as well. If he's not, remember that it takes two to fight. No matter how obnoxious he is, there won't be any brawls if you don't respond in kind.
If your father-in-law seems to enjoy "baiting" you--making outrageous comments you find it very difficult not to respond to-- prepare a neutral, non-inflammatory response. My favorite is, "Hmmm….I suppose anything's possible." Other possibilities are, "I really don't know much about that" (make sure there is no hint in your voice that you want to be educated about it) or, in a cool rather than interested tone of voice, "Really." Still another standby is, "Oh, John, we fight about this every time we see each other. Let's just agree to disagree and have a good time today."
Another line of defense is developing temporary deafness. For instance, Elaine's father-in-law doesn't approve of her working outside the home, and lets her know about it every time they see each other. Elaine no longer responds to these comments. If her father-in-law repeats them, she says calmly, "What was that, Dad? The fan's running and I can't hear a thing you're saying." She then remains deaf until he changes the subject.
Speaking of changing the subject, that's another excellent way of avoiding conflict. Find a subject that your father-in-law enjoys, and that you can at least tolerate, and get him talking about that. So what if you've heard the story about how he hit the winning home run for his Little League team over a thousand times? At least he's not criticizing you.
"YOU'RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH!"
Men probably encounter this problem far more than women, because most fathers are not terribly picky about the women who marry their sons, but are very protective when it comes to the men who marry their daughters.
If your father-in-law hints that you are not the right person for his child, take a deep breath and count to ten. Then use the techniques described above to neutralize and redirect the conversation. For instance, "Who knows, Mr. H? I just consider myself lucky Kathy picked me. Now, I hear you used to be quite a baseball player…"
It's pointless to get into an argument about whether you are Mr. Right or Mr. Wrong. Besides, you're not seeking the love and approval of your father-in-law. As long as your spouse thinks you're the right person, he's just background noise.
INTERFERENCE
"You and Jenny shouldn't pick that baby up every time he cries. And why is Jenny still breastfeeding? She was on a bottle when she was three months old." Every time Matt visits his father-in-law, he finds his parenting skills called into question. Arguing, reasoning, and even presenting research from parenting experts has done nothing to change his father-in-law's mind. Matt would love to stop visiting his in-laws all together, but it's important to his wife to maintain a close relationship with her parents.
If your father-in-law interferes with your parenting or your marriage, it's important to remember a few things about his motives. First, annoying as they are, the intrusive comments may be his way of relating to you as a spouse or as a parent. If asked, Matt's father-in-law might say he was simply passing on useful advice to a young father.
Second, most people have a huge investment in their behavior as parents or spouses. If you are choosing to raise your children or conduct your marital relationship differently than your father-in-law did, he may see this as a criticism of his way of doing things. He may even feel guilty if, in his innermost thoughts, he thinks your approach just might be better.
Again, even if you don't agree with your father-in-laws ideas, neutrality is probably your best defense. You might say something like, "Different things work for different children" or "This is how we've found our relationship works. I guess it just depends on the couple."
If this approach doesn't work, or encourages your father-in-law to argue more, try simply acknowledging his advice, "Thanks, Dave. I'll think about that." Of course acknowledging advice does not in any way obligate you to follow it.
THE EXCEPTION: DANGEROUS/INAPPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR
Every time Sandra's father-in-law sees her, he slaps her on the buttocks or tries to grab her breasts. When she protests, he says he is only joking. Ethan was delighted to let his father-in-law baby sit his four-year old daughter… until he learned that his father-in-law had been in jail for molesting Ethan's wife when she was a child.
In most situations of in-law conflict, it is best to grin and bear your way through unpleasant visits. However, this rule does not apply if you or your children are in danger or are being harassed or abused.
In these cases, it is important to share your concerns with your spouse immediately. Then, the next time you see your father-in-law, set your boundaries clearly and firmly. "Stop that, Mr. Thompson. You don't have any right to touch me" or "Ed, under the circumstances, we'll need to find another babysitter for the kids." Your spouse should back you up or at least be willing to declare neutrality.
Most in-law conflicts, however, are not that serious. With some good will and a sense of humor, you can maintain a solid relationship with your spouse, even if you secretly hate his or her father.
