How to stop a family feud or longtime fight

Like the Hatfields and the McCoys, some branches of family continue to battle generation after generation. Often they forget who started the conflict in the first place, or why. But they don't forget to keep their anger alive instead of setting aside differences to make peace.

If you're part of a family feud, or aware of someone who's involved in one, you may want to take the role of mediator and help defuse the situation. It won't be easy, but a peaceful outcome is worth the effort. Here are some ideas for tackling this sensitive project:

1. Don't take sides. Avoid blaming one person or family over another. Although one group may be more volatile than another, it's likely that both, or all, were involved in fanning the flames to some extent. Unless there is a clear indicator of guilt, approach the situation in an arbiter's role, with an open mind, and encourage others to do the same. Remind everyone that we're all human, we make mistakes, and sometimes we lose our tempers. But since life is short, we ought to protect and preserve our family linkages and enjoy them while we can to avoid later regrets.

2. Choose a neutral setting. You may want to email both parties or telephone them for the first contact. This provides space and time for a thoughtful reply. Later, as relatives become more willing to talk to each other in a spirit of reconciliation, let them come to your home instead of one of theirs. Or better yet, meet at a restaurant where no one can be accused of invading the other's turf. Let everyone buy their own dinner, and have a mental or written agenda of what you hope will happen. Share it in advance with those who will attend.

3. Emphasize conciliatory gestures. You might wish to open the session by explaining how important and valuable each family member is, and how it hurts the entire network of relatives when some of them cannot get along. Promote unity and attempt to get the feuding parties to agree that they need to stop fighting and start getting along despite their differing mindsets. One side might offer an apology, or the other can attempt an explanation. Watch for slight nuances of language that hint at building tensions, and redirect communication in a more positive direction.

4. Plan a positive event. After the initial meeting, host a family picnic or Christmas party to bring the wounded relatives together. This is especially important if there is a big event planned later, like a wedding or anniversary party. Your event will allow for a trial run so that any residual hurt feelings or ill wishes can rise to the surface sooner rather than later.

5. Praise everyone involved. Point out each person's strengths and successes to those who may be unaware of them. Downplay failures or errors. As healing begins to take place, feelings may still be tender for a while, so tread lightly when the topic of past hurts comes up. Change the subject if you can. Then approach each person individually to offer thanks for playing a positive role in getting the issues settled.

6. Continue building family unity. Plan annual reunions or holiday celebrations. Circulate a family newsletter or ezine. Mail photographs to distant relatives to stay in touch. Make occasional telephone calls to cement fragile relationships.

Family feuds are all too common. What's less common is the person who is willing to take the initiative in helping the others overcome their distrust and hurt to start the rebuilding process.