If you are one of those people who will do almost anything to hang on to your marriage, you are to be commended. You may even think that getting a separation, legal or otherwise, from your spouse may preserve the hope of reconciliation. Although a separation can help many couples stay married by providing a timeout for reflection and repair, in certain cases a separation may not work. Here are some of those occasions, though you will ultimately need to make the decision to try separation rather than merely take the advice of others.
1. A separation may not help when your spouse is making threats against you or the children. If you fear for your life, physical distance may keep you safe for now, but legally, you may not be safe enough if your spouse fights for visitation rights or other marital access. While a legal separation in some states is nearly as binding and protective as a divorce, in other states it allows a spouse to continue to have contact with his or her estranged family. When you must flee for your life, either travel far enough away that your spouse cannot get to you or check the separation laws in your area to be sure you will receive adequate protection.
2. A separation may not help if your spouse has abandoned the family. If you have not heard from your spouse for a couple of years or you do not know where he or she is, a separation may not do much good. If your spouse has been living with another person for a lengthy period of time, what is the purpose of a separation unless you feel that he or she may take the legal action seriously and make an effort to preserve the marriage. If your spouse has filed for a divorce, a separation filed by you may not do much good. Consult an attorney to discuss situations like these.
3. A separation may not help if your spouse is strongly tempted toward another person. Putting distance between the spouse and yourself may push him or her toward someone who is more available. Assess the situation carefully, along with your spouse's comments and actions, to see if living separately will hurt or help your marriage.
4. A separation may not help if your spouse has left the country and become the citizen of, or resumed citizenship in, another country. Beyond diplomacy reach and United States law, there is no entity that can force your spouse to return and work with you to restore the relationship unless he or she has broken a law significant enough to warrant his or her indictment and return. However, it is up to the remaining spouse to decide if waiting is the expedient thing to do. The absent spouse may yet return someday.
5. A separation may not help if your spouse resists all efforts at reconciliation. If he or she will not go to counseling, refuses to discuss the marriage, and generally avoids you in preference to other people or activities, chances are a separation will not do much good. Of course, you never know. So it is up to you whether to file the separation agreement as a first step and see if it motivates your husband or wife to work toward restoring the marriage.
6. A separation may not help if your goal is to hurry or push your spouse toward reconciliation. If he or she is slowly working through some issues, a forced separation may make things worse. Give the other person time to deal with things at a thoughtful pace rather than insist on resolving issues immediately.
While a legal separation may be better than divorce in some cases, it is not always the best response to a couple's problems. Think it through, discuss your situation with a trusted adviser, and then decide your next step.
