Things to discuss with your spouse before having a baby

Bringing a child into the world is not something that you can afford to take lightly. Ideally, you and your spouse should have started discussing your views on childrearing before you even tied the knot. If you have not discussed it yet, then open the doors for communication – pronto. It is very stressful for couples who find out that they are expecting a child without ever having discussed the prospect of becoming parents together. However, even if that is the situation that you find yourself in, you have time to kick your communication into high gear in the months leading up to your baby’s birthday. Set aside quiet time for you and your spouse to go over key issues pertaining to having a baby and raising a child.

WHAT DOES “GOOD PARENT” MEAN TO YOU?

Ask your spouse to write down the qualities that he thinks a good parent should possess. You should do the same. Remember, you are not just going to have a baby; you are going to have a child, and that child will be an adolescent, and that adolescent will be an adult – and the two of you are responsible for raising a healthy and happy adult. Therefore, you have to think to the future; you can’t just deal with “baby” issues. Compare your lists for differences and commonalities. Talk about how you think you will implement these qualities once the baby is born and as he or she grows up. Think about your own childhood, and the good and bad aspects that you would like to either impart onto your child or shelter your child from. If one or both of you came from a divorced or single-parent home, discuss your concerns about functioning as a dual parental unit. Talk about presenting a united front as your baby grows up so that he or she will have confidence in the two of you as parents.

WHAT DISCIPLINARY STYLE DO YOU ENVISION FOR YOURSELVES?

You and your spouse should discuss your ideas about punishment and discipline. If one of you feels strongly that spanking and any form of physical punishment is out of line, then both of you should get on board with that belief. It is not a good idea to have one parent exhibiting behavior that the other parent finds wrong and offensive. Discuss how the two of you were punished when you were growing up, and how those methods of punishment affected you. What disciplinary measures did you feel had the most profound impact on your life and development? Do you feel that you were punished too severely as a child? If you did not have a good example for parenting because your upbringing was unhealthy or abusive, you will have to work very hard not to allow history to repeat itself. There are several courses at local hospitals and community colleges that are geared towards new parents who want to learn healthy and productive parenting skills.

DIVISION OF RESPONSIBILITY

In most two-parent families, one of the parents spends a substantially larger amount of time caring for the child or children while the other parent spends substantially more time at work. In some situations, one parent (usually the mother) stays at home with the children all the time while the other parent works full-time or more to financially support the family. On the other hand, there are many parents who hire a nanny so that they can both maintain their careers full-time. Discuss your career goals, and how they fit into your familial goals. If you are uncomfortable being a stay-at-home parent, but your spouse is very partial to that idea, you should work out some sort of compromise. Maybe you will work from home or in a part-time or seasonal capacity, or maybe your spouse should be the one to stay at home while you continue in the workforce. Both of you should agree on the terms, and you should keep in mind that your priority once you have a child should be your family.