Mourning the deterioration of a loved one with alzheimers

When your loved one has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's Disease, you may be struggling with a range of emotions. Anger, frustration, sorrow, depression, and uncertainty can compete for control of your mind.

This struggle is natural. But at some point you will need to pull yourself together and manage conflicting feelings to move beyond the "shock" stage of dealing with the ravages of this terrible disease.

Your loved one may show signs of Alzheimer's several years before the full-blown diagnosis. Forgetfulness, vagueness, night wanderings, and paranoia are some of the classical symptoms that appear in the early stage. As family members and caregivers, we often try to dismiss these changes as unimportant or as the normal behavior for an aging person. But Alzheimer's can strike middle-aged people, too, and any significant change from a person's normal cognitive function should be evaluated by a medical professional.

When you receive the final diagnosis of Alzheimer's, you may lash out alone or at others:

"Why did this have to happen? Dad was enjoying his retirement years."

Or this:

"Mom did so much for others. Why does she have to go through this now?"

Later, as you watch a family member become increasingly forgetful or confused, even to the point where you are no longer known during a visit, you will probably feel a sense of loss. In some ways, losing the familiar relationship of a loved one to the memory destruction of a disease like Alzheimer's is a little bit like death, or perhaps a foretaste. You realize that childhood and young adult memories shared with your relative may be gone for good. The person may not recall the good times or bad times that brought you close together. Now all you can do is savor the few odd moments of lucidity.

If you are struggling with these negative emotions, here are a few things you may want to do.

Talk with the doctor to get a full assessment of your loved one's capabilities, and a timeline for possible ongoing deterioration. Having the facts will enable you to plan more effectively for the future.

Spend quality time with your loved one. Find out when he or she is more alert and plan to telephone or visit at that time. For many people with dementia, that time is early morning and sometimes early evening.

Find a caregiver for your family member. A live-in nurse or family may be needed to provide supervision and care. Or a long-term care facility may be the answer. In any case, you need to prepare your emotions to surrender your loved one to professional supervision or observation. Handle this with dignity and care, even when others don't do things as you would do. Caring for a person with dementia is very challenging, and tempers can flare. Don't let yours.

Pore over old scrapbooks, photo albums, and diaries to savor memories of your loved one in the "good old days." Then during a visit, bring up some of these experiences. Sometimes a face will light up in recognition; at other times a blank stare will remain fixed. Don't be disappointed, but enjoy the happy times that you can still bring to your family member.

Find a support group if you become seriously depressed. Contact your local Alzheimer's association, center for aging, or hospital for help in locating one. You also may want to see a counselor to help you deal with grief issues.

If you are the caregiver, arrange for weekly respite by having a backup person on standby. You can easily get burned out in providing around the clock care for someone who does not have full possession of his or her faculties.

Find your faith. Attend worship services. Read scriptures. Pray. These things can bring you peace and comfort when you feel overwhelmed and alone in your grief.

Aging is a natural process that sometimes brings complications like Alzheimer's Disease. Be prepared to take action and head off some of the emotional struggles that family members may have to deal with after receiving this diagnosis for a loved one.