Parenting tips: the effects of divorce on children

Going through a divorce is a difficult process for any couple to go through, but for couples that have children it can be even more devastating. The way in which you and your former spouse handle the divorce will have a large bearing on how well your child deals with it. Your child may become depressed, anxious or even blame his or herself for the divorce. Unfortunately, there is no way of knowing ahead of time how well your child will handle your divorce, but there are key things you can do to make your child’s transition easier. Here are some signs you should look for:

-- Depression. Has your child become increasingly withdrawn since your divorce? If so, he or she may be falling into a depression. You may want to consider a counselor for your child. Your child needs assurance that that the divorce is not his or her fault. Depending on your child’s age, you may want to sit down and explain the reasons why you and your ex have decided to split. This can be a difficult conversation, but it will help your child to better understand why Mom and Dad are no longer together. Understanding is the first step to acceptance.

-- Rebellion. Your child may begin to rebel or act out following your divorce. You may notice signs of aggression, or perhaps a drop in your child’s grades at school. If your child begins having trouble at school, it is important that you let his or her teacher know what is going on at home. If your child exhibits rebellious behavior, you may need to take action. Consider pulling together other members of your family to spend more time with you and your child-- it is more important than ever for your child to feel that he or she is part of a family unit.

-- Irrational fears. Children of divorced parents often become fearful that they will be abandoned by both parents, or that their parents no longer love them. It is important to make sure that your child continues to live in a loving environment. Spend extra time doing special things with your child during this time-- he or she needs you now more than ever.

-- Unusual behaviors. After your divorce, you may find that your child wants to be by your side at all times-- he or she may not even let you out of their sight. Your once perfectly potty-trained child may begin bedwetting or exhibit other behaviors designed to get your attention. Your child may have a decreased appetite or experience difficulty sleeping. If your child exhibits behaviors that concern you, consult your pediatrician or a licensed counselor.

Other ways to help you child get through the divorce:

-- Maintain a good relationship with your ex. This may be hard, especially if your ex was unfaithful or did something unforgivable, but it is important for you to remain on good terms. Your child will pick up on any bad feelings between you and your ex, which may make him or her feel as though they are in the middle of a power struggle. Try not to badmouth your child’s other parent, no matter how angry you are.

-- Consider family counseling. Counseling for your whole family, including your ex, is a good way to keep the lines of communication open and to assure your child that everything is going to be alright.

-- Make sure your child has his or her own space. If you and your ex will be sharing custody of your child, make sure that the child has a room at both of your homes. Nothing is worse than a child who feels displaced, moving belongings back and forth between houses. Give your child a comfortable space in your house, with his or her own bed and dressers. Make sure the room is filled with things that are important to your child.

-- Make the holidays easier. Make a fair arrangement with your ex when it comes to the holidays. Don’t argue over the telephone about who will get the kids at Thanksgiving and who will get the kids at Christmas. Hash the details out well ahead of time, so your child will know where he or she will be spending the holidays.

-- Keep financial concerns to yourself. If, after your divorce, you find that you have to adjust to living on one income, don’t burden your child with your financial problems. Your child is going through enough right now, so resist the urge to discuss missed child support payments or bills that your ex has stuck you with. You and your ex should work out all of your financial arrangements privately.

By working closely with your ex during this difficult transition period, you can help to ensure that your child will continue to feel secure and loved.