Parenting tips: is your grown daughter ready for marriage?

Parents simultaneously dread and look forward to that day when their adult daughter says, “Mom, Dad, I want to get married.” How can they determine if she is ready for marriage, and can help her to decide for herself if she is ready?

First, her age is obviously the biggest factor. For the most part, women under the age of about 20 are probably not going to be ready for marriage. Some marry at that age and make it work, but the odds are decidedly against it. Women who marry after age 23 have a statistically higher chance of their marriage working out. This is due in large part, no doubt, to an increased maturity level on the part of the woman. A woman who is out of college and has a career in mind will probably make her marriage choices much more carefully than a 19-year-old who is looking primarily for security.

Next, how mature is the woman in question? Does she manage her money well? Has she ever lived on her own? Has she proven she can pay her own bills without constant reminders, budget her living expenses and maintain her own vehicle?

Has the woman ever had a serious relationship with a man? Does she seem to have a grasp of the issues involved in merging two lives? Parents should look honestly at their daughter when thinking about these questions. If they have grave doubts about any of these issues, it might be time to take their daughter aside and gently, lovingly address their doubts with her. Even if she immediately goes on the defensive, she knows they still care. And, parents shouldn’t push too much, since they will invariably drive their daughter away if they do push too hard.

Another issue for parents to consider is children. Is their daughter capable of caring for children, if she wants to have them? Can she and her future husband care for them financially? Would they be able to provide for college? If not, is the daughter responsible enough to use effective birth control consistently, until the couple is in a situation where they can afford children?

Regardless of the answers to the above questions, parents should strongly encourage their daughter to have pre-marital counseling. Many churches require so many hours of counseling before a pastor of that denomination will perform the service, and this is probably a good thing. It enables an objective party to help the couple evaluate how mature they are, and whether they are willing and able to tackle the issues and roadblocks that inevitably come with marriage.

If a woman refuses to entertain the idea of being counseled by anyone, it is probably a good sign that she is not ready for marriage. Mature adults are willing to talk about these important issues beforehand, and to work on issues where they have troubles, long before the marriage is solemnized.

Working on problem issues is another key to gauging maturity. A woman who is ready for marriage will recognize that there may be aspects of her personality that might cause friction in a marriage, and she will attempt to iron out these problems beforehand. She might be controlling where money is concerned, or a spendthrift, or not a conscientious housekeeper. It all depends on her partner and his tolerance in these areas (some men live happily in clutter), but a woman ready for marriage will do what she needs to do in order to make the marriage work.

Parents can help most by listening to their daughter, supporting her and offering suggestions or advice, if asked. They can also help her determine how ready she is for marriage by bringing up some of these issues, in a loving way. They can model their marriage in such a way that she knows what a good marriage looks like, and will help her understand that the work that goes into keeping a marriage healthy pays great dividends over the long-haul.